BlueBella

What's Got My Snitty Snit in a Tangle

2011-12-22T14:33:00.004-06:00

Weather: 85
Drinks: Open Bar

So what gives?

All this time alone and such. Whatever has been happening????

KIDS, KIDS KIDS. And a new job. A FABULOUS AMAZING WONDERFUL new job. I was scared to take the leap, but it was the best career decision I've ever made. Now that I'm out of my previous job I can't believe how much I was just rotting to death there. I didn't think I could do any better. Well I'm perfectly glad to be proven wrong. I'm now empowered. Challenged.
Happy.

And life is just life. Moving along. I got a new truck. A BRAND NEW Jeep. MM bought it for me one day. I'd never even driven one, just mentioned to him that they look cool and I'd love to have one, and he did the research and then bought it. It is perfect and I'm in LOVE!!! Just more proof MM is the one for me (like I needed more) . .. he can buy me a vehicle I've never driven and it is perfect.

So down to the snit. People are just irritating the shit out of me lately. Either I'm loving them or hating them. And the hating is because they're rubbing my principles all the wrong way and being all self righteous about it.

In my world you get what you earn and you are humble and thankful for what you are given.

You are not entitled to things just because you exist. Unless you are a baby. And then you are entitled to just about everything. Including my boob whenever your little heart desires it.

GAH.

So this is my little snitty snit and it's just all in a tangle.

Hello Again

2011-09-29T14:24:00.003-05:00

Weather: 82 & Sunny

Drinks: Hurricanes

Luckily the social standard people hold you to as a mom of 4 with a newborn is pretty low. In fact, they tend to be amazed you're even out of the house at all. Hopefully the same holds true blogging frequency in the blogospere.

Life seems to be happening in fits and starts for us these days. With my broken foot this summer I've been anything but consistent at just about everything. We rally around my perceived ability to accomplish something, and then work around my inability. Luckily, my foot is "healed" and I cast the orthopaedic boot aside today in favor of a Right sided Birkenstock I've never worn.

***

I've been moody this past few days. I think the underlying cause is we are taking ever so tiny steps towards the step-parent adoption of Starfish, Sea Monkey and Angelfish. The twins will be a no-brainer as their sperm donor has already signed away his rights. But we have yet to accomplish this with Angelfish's asshat. We by all means anticipate him signing away his rights, it is just taking forever to get something to happen. We did get news that Asshat wants a confidentiality agreement signed before he does anything and I'm more than curious to read what it entails.

MM and I discussed what we want for Angelfish in terms of this adoption and her future. It's so hard to know what to do in some cases and we're just praying we're making the right decisions. We're sure Asshat doesn't want a teenager showing up on his doorstep 15 years from now, asking to know who the hell he is. And we're certain we don't want his change of heart coming around should he ever divorce his wife and decide maybe he should actually lay eyes on his biological daughter.

When she was a baby it was easier to make decisions for her, but now that she's growing and asserting her own personality I'm confronted with more issues, none of which have easy answers. You've probably heard Moms who've had difficult children wish the exact same child upon their offspring. Apparently it works. The other weekend when Angelfish was being particularly bull headed about something, I looked to my Mom, who barely stifled a too hearty laugh and said, "For you it's like looking in the mirror!"

Great. I'm fucked.

But in my defense I think I turned out to be a pretty great person, it just took me 34 some odd years to really get my shit together. And hopefully we can provide Angelfish with opportunities to channel herself down a path of success and self fulfillment.

In the course of the day with Angelfish I'm astonished with how many times I think about Asshat. It's at least once a day. The compelling factor is getting to be her parent and watching her navigate the world, assisting her growth and receiving her love and affection. I still just don't understand how anyone could consciously and intentionally miss out on this little beauty. I guess I used to think the same way about the twins' donor, but at least he actually saw and held those children. I will never understand his decision, but at least he tried. Asshat has 3 children of his own under his care and made the choice to completely omit her. For that I am eternally thankful, but still, utterly appalled.

All's well that ends well, though, as Angelfish and MM share a bond rivaling any father and daughter. He is her father and always will be. I guess I'm just ready for the Asshat portion of our programming to come to a close and find a place within my brain where he is not a daily thought. It will happen, it's just taking too long for my liking!

Angelfish - while you were not planned, the minute I knew you were inside me I loved you like I had been waiting for you my entire life. Love, Mom

More Ways I'm Getting Weirder As I Get Older

2011-08-30T09:39:00.003-05:00

Weather: 80 & breezy
Drinks: Lemon Punch

I don't think we've ever had a discussion about how much I loathe my skin touching my own skin, have we?

I can't believe we've known each other this long and never discussed this. I guess if we had been sleeping in the same bed you'd know, but that's neither here nor there.

Bottom line, shortly after my divorce I began sleeping with a fan on and with a blanket. You know, a blanket besides my regular bedding. Now don't get thinking I was doing some sort of childhood regression thing or anything, because as a kid I never slept with a blanket, but as an adult I found it a very good way to get comfortable. Instead of fussing with my pillow to get my head positioned just right I stuff the blanket under there and it's oh so comfortable.

And after four or five years of sleeping with a blanket I noticed something - I'm a side sleeper mind you -the blanket not only has to be stuffed under my head just right, it also has to go down between my arms just so and then between my knees down to my feet. . And the blanket has to be of a certain fluffy material, too, like thick fleece. So . . . the blanket keeps my arms and legs propped apart and safely away from touching each other.

After a few nights away from home without my blankie I realized just how much I despise when my skin touches my own skin when I sleep. Why don't you just wear pants? Can't sleep with pants - I also despise the way pants ride up my calves in the night - that nightmare is just as bad as the no blanket issue.

I don't know what it is about feeling one arm touch the other, or one leg laying on top of the other but it's just plain awful. I don't mind feeling MM's body parts on me - I just don't like my own on me at night. During the day I can wear shorts and cross my legs or wear short sleeves and cross my arms just fine, there's just something about it in the night since I hit my late 20's that completely skeeves me out.

Side note: Another important function of the blankie is to keep my breath off my arms. Can't stand feeling breathing on my skin either - mine or anyone else's. Even the kids', and especially another adult's. But I must sleep with a fan on and love the air moving over my skin. There's just something about that rhythmic movement of air that bothers.

Ready to put me in a straight jacket yet? Hold your horses - I haven't even gotten to the REAL story yet.

So knowing I have this skin touching issue with myself, last night I came home from work and was getting ready to change into my 'play clothes' and thought to myself - I really want to wear a tank top so there's no fabric touching in my armpits.

Really? Really???

Apparently subconsciously I've been building up a dislike for fabric touching my pits and summer was a good occasion to take a break from it, and now that I'm back at work and have to wear sleeves my issue is coming to the surface. . .

You know we all have that Crazy Aunt Linda in our family tree, right? And we all get more opinionated as we get older. I'm just thinking that with my skin touching issues and now fabric touching issues I'm going to have a real conundrum to face if it gets worse as I age. I plan to have a lot more years on this planet so here's to hoping that the fashion of the future can keep up with this weirdo.

On The Trail

2011-08-26T12:38:00.003-05:00

Weather:78 & Still
Drinks: Pina Coladas with crushed strawberries

Last night left me shaking my head at myself. And the neighbors probably not just shaking their heads at us, but flat out open mouthed WTF'ing. In fact, at one point in the night I said to MM - if I saw people doing what we're doing, I would have something REALLY sarcastic to say about it.

So before I build this story up to an impossible level, let me just tell you what happened.

Sometimes, after a full day of work I can be a royal bitch when I get home. All I want to do is plug in to the TV and have the 3 older kids sit quietly on the couch and during commercial breaks take turns telling me what an amazing Mom I am, all while the baby sleeps peacefully on my lap with a look of pure joy on his face. Oh yeah, and MM all the while is cooking a delicious dinner.

Does that happen? Fuck no.

So I was having one of those grumpy get home from work days and the 3 big kids were at Mach 10, their mouths running just about as fast their feet and noses. And the baby, well, he's got a cough and has only eaten once during the day while I've been gone. GREAT. I'm looking to MM for dinner ideas because I'm famished and my boobs are ready to go splat because I wasn't able to pump for a 2nd time during the busy afternoon. The evening is shaping up to be a doozy.

Luckily, Starfish has the brilliant idea to go out to the back yard and play on the gorgeous, wonderful, amazing new play set MM built for them. Starfish = genius.

We end up in the back yard, kids playing, MM and I sharing some of his famous Amber Ales, and somehow a water fight ensues. The kids strip down to their skives and while I spray them with ice cold water from the hose something miraculous happens. My grumpies disappear and I turn into Fun Mom.

Now Fun Mom doesn't make regular appearances at our house. She's a lot more like the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy. She's rare and fleeting and flighty to say the least.

Long story short, I'm no longer pondering stuffing their hungry little faces with PB&J before scooting them off to bed and then calling in an order to Apple*bee's for MM to retrieve.

How about that burrito place? MM suggests. Yes, sounds delish! Yea! the kids scream.

The burrito place is about a half mile from our house and is the perfect walk on a nice night like last night. Let's walk, I say with confidence.

And this is where our story goes awry.

Are you sure? MM asks, looking at the boot on my broken foot. Oh yeah, I have a broken foot. But it's feeling pretty good and after all, Fun Mom is in charge now. Alright then, MM says apprehensively. But the deal is sealed and we're going. On foot.

Dry off kids, get them dressed and head downstairs to the garage. Turns out all the big kids want to ride in the stroller so we have a choice to make: fight that battle and take the double jogger? Hell no. MM rolls his eyes at me. So I dig out the triple jogger from behind 10 other multi wheeled riding mobiles and the 3 bigs jump in. I'm left holding #4 and he starts to cry . . .that hungry cry.

Shit.

So Fun Mom, being the unflappable super powered woman that she is, whips out a boob and throws a blanket over her shoulder - let's go she says. MM leans into the triple wide and begins pushing the 40 lb stroller with 110+ lbs of toddlers in it. . . and Fun Mom hobbles behind on her broken foot, carrying a 15+ lb baby that's nursing at her breast.

It wasn't long and I started to get the feeling of what it must have been like on the Oregon Trail for a pioneer woman. Luckily we only had a mile to go and in between was a hot cooked meal. I carefully held #4 as I hobbled, my boot uneven with my sandal, and listened to him happily sucking under the blanket.

The people driving by us on the street must have thought us insane. We were obviously people who really, REALLY needed to get out of the house with all these kids, no matter the circumstances.

But we had a fabulous time, ate a great dinner, had funny, toddler style conversation and had everyone tucked in tuckered out by bedtime. And luckily my foot managed the trip fairly well and has only been slightly angry at me today.

Life is good. It's a little off the wall, or a lot off the wall, but it's good. And just the way I like it.

Why The Past Gets to Stay In the Past

2011-08-04T15:42:00.003-05:00

Weather: 80 & Clear
Drinks:Vodka Tonic w/ Lime

Back to work has meant back to boredom. I got assigned a couple small projects after a few days and now am twiddling my fingers waiting for more work to trickle in. My boss says he's working on it. At first I resisted this slump and begged 'Why can't I just be home with my kiddos doing something meaningful instead of locked up to my desk doing nothing?'

The easy answer is: They pay me. And we still have 2 houses to pay for and need my paycheck.

Now all I need is for someone to swing by my cube every hour and drop off a stack of cash equal to my salary down to the hour and maybe I'd be more convinced that doing nothing here is meaningful . . .but till that happens I'm just going to busy myself with busywork. Like shopping. Too bad I'm spending part of that easy earned paycheck while at work, huh?

Anywho, in an attempt to NOT shop online for a few minutes, I decided to clean out my trusty old yahoo email box. Which is AGES old. And I rarely delete anything but junk mail, if that.

So I came across a slew of little gems today. And more than a couple lumps of coal, too.

I started by sorting by sender, so when I got to the ones from MM, I traced them back to when we first started talking . .. then how he wanted to go to fast and I freaked out and slowed things WAY down . . . then slowly things built up and got hot . .. and then he freaked out and tried to slow things back down . . .and I stopped them completely. Then a few months later we tentatively reached back out to each other . . . and the rest is history - we were married a mere 8 months later. Of course then 2 months after our wedding another email where another little freak out occurred for us as the growing pains of moving in together and becoming a family started to cause some strain. But we talked through it and before long were pregnant and life has been swimmingly delicious ever since.

I guess what I found was record of a time when both MM and I were deeply wounded beings holding scarred hearts, but still holding out hope for love again someday. We were pretty messed up back then. But in looking at how we handled each other and the challenges we faced it is no wonder we are so happy now. We are two people who see love the same way - as something to be cherished, nurtured, celebrated and never taken for granted. And I can see why we were so careful with ourselves and each other. We wanted to get it right. We needed to do things a certain way so we could have no regrets and live the amazing life together we live now.

But it was a painful, unsure time and I am SO GLAD those days are over and never ever to be repeated again. It was a good reminder to have today. Even though I tell MM I love him every single day, it makes appreciating him so much more tangible when I can recall what it was like to not have him in my life.

And that, my friends, is my lesson for today. And a timely reminder of just how awesome things are now.

Cheers.

Friday Findings

2011-07-29T08:26:00.003-05:00

Weather: 80 & Sunny
Drinks: Open Bar

I didn't even look at the back of my hair before going to work today. I brushed it, but didn't look at it.

Going back to work after having #4 has been a bitch. I'm just so not into it. At. All.

And neither are the kiddlets.

It's a shame to work so hard to get to an awesome point in my career and be willing to throw it all away . . . just as much as it is a shame to risk my life to have 4 of the most amazing, beautiful children I could possibly imagine, and to pay someone else to spend the majority of the day with them . . .so I can go to work to pay that person. . .

*sigh*

Back to Work

2011-07-20T15:48:00.003-05:00

Weather: HOT
Drinks: Open Bar

Well, after 3-ish months off of work I'm back at it today thankyouverymuch.

Aside from all the tears I shed about it last night, today has turned out ok. Yes this is the work that basically told me I was out of a job after 8 weeks no matter what the circumstances with my health surrounding the pregnancy...but some how someone magically flipped a switch and my extended leave was approved. No thanks for the 8 weeks of worry and thinking I didn't have a job. . . especially at a time when my stress levels needed to be at their lowest.

I guess it is all over and done with and I'm moving forward ... but definitely NOT forgetting it.

I miss my little munchkin like crazy and also his crazy older brother and sisters. But the change of pace is sorta nice. If only I could just come to work once in a while, instead of every freaking week.

In a nutshell, that's where we're at. Peace.

We Have A BABY!

2011-06-07T12:37:00.003-05:00

Weather: HOT
Drinks: Margaritas, Beers, and whatever else

Well you may have guessed it - we had our baby boy! He was born May 24th at 36 weeks gestation - a week earlier than our scheduled c-section. My BP had been steadily rising and had spiked into the severe range twice, which constitutes severe preeclampsia, so the doc on call decided to deliver him right away. They put me on a magnesium sulfate drip which made things a bit hazy for me mentally, but I remember quite a bit since it was just a drip and not what they called a 'loading dose', just to keep my BP down while we waited for the procedure.

I was SOOOOO nervous for the actual surgery - I was practically crawling out of my skin, but once they got the spinal in and MM was by my side, it went really well. Apparently I have a lot of scarring from this being my 3rd c-section, so there was a lot of pulling and tugging going on. Baby boy came out crying and healthy. It was amazing to watch MM with him while the nurses and doctors worked him over. I was able to cry with happiness as they sewed and stapled me up.

Baby boy passed all his newborn tests and MM was able to carry him back to our room while I was wheeled back in in my bed. He nursed as soon as I was able to hold him and has been eating like a champ ever since.

Our only bad experience was the next day I began to bleed profusely and was hemorrhaging. I have never been so scared or in so much pain in my life. My room suddenly filled with doctors and nurses and they gave me two shots for the pain as I was screaming and crying hysterically. Looking back the experience was surreal. I was blessed to have MM at my side through it and have nurses who got right in my face and talked me through it. My OB was able to remove a bunch of blood clots that were stopping my uterus from contracting and stopping the bleeding. It worked and soon the commotion was over and I was much more comfortable. For a very brief time I actually thought about the idea that I might die. Amazingly, I had the nurse with me who cared for me when I had my twins and came in via ambulance and seizing. We had gotten to catch up the day before and she'd agreed to be with me for the birth, and was actually the charge nurse so when I began hemorrhaging she was there for me again. I can't tell you how much that meant to me. I truly believe there was a reason we were able to reconnect like we did. It is not often someone takes care of you in your most desperate need - twice.

So the long and the short of it is MM and I now have a family of six, and are loving every minute of it. MM is the most amazing Dad. He's involved in every single way and has not shied away from anything. This experience, though harrowing at times, was something we both needed to have together and it has brought us closer than I ever imagined. We are now careening towards our first anniversary together, and while we both have trouble believing it has been that long already, all we have to do is look at the son we made and know it has been a year.

Life is bliss on the island. I'm working on recovering from the surgery and dropping the baby weight - at two weeks from birth I've already lost 35 lbs and only have 7 to go to get to the weight I want to weigh this summer - woo hoo!!! And MM sure doesn't mind my post pregnancy moo cow boobs.

Oh yeah, and the 3 other sea creatures sure love their baby brother!

Still Kicking and Screaming

2011-05-17T12:07:00.004-05:00

Weather: Indoors, but the back yard looks beautiful
Drinks: Raspberry shooters

Yup. I'm still here. Still kicking. Still screaming.

Actually I'm not doing much of anything, except NOT having a baby. 35 weeks, still going. Still drooling to mind numbing TV, rolling over, eating, whining, drooling some more, and endless trips to the potty.

And then twice a week MM rolls me out of bed and takes me to the OB for a non stress test, urine dip and BP. We've been sent on 3 trips to the hospital L & D, all to no avail. Yesterday was our latest trip as my BP was naughty in the high 150's over high 90's. It was still high at the hospital until they got me comfy laying on my left side, then it went down to normal range. Doc was ready to send me home, so I went to the bathroom, took BP again and it was back up to the 150's/90's. Nurse told me to get dressed and went over discharge papers. I asked her to take it again and it was 164/99. SCARY! But she said since my labs came back fine and my BP goes down when I lay down that we'd do a 24 hour urine and moved up my next OB appt to Wed @ 1.

I was very nearly sure we were going to have the baby yesterday, but if not that they would at least have kept me in the hospital until the 24 hr urine was done. Guess not. I've been working with the same OB so it's not a doctor to doctor inconsistency, and perhaps it is just that he trusts me to know what to do and follow his directions. So I'm going to hang on until Wednesday and then if my BP is still high I'm going to ask to be admitted to the hospital until I deliver. It is just too scary to me, and we're already on the schedule to deliver on the 31st, in 2 weeks, so it's not that long.

And I'm ready to meet our son. Finally. He can bake for a few more weeks, but it's nice to know that mentally now I'm ready for his arrival. I don't know why it takes me so long to get a connection like that to my babies, but luckily it comes just at the right time. Maybe I'm protecting myself. In any case, we're ready whenever it's time for him to be born.

MM has been a trooper through all this, too. He takes me to every appointment, actively participates, hold my hand and stays calm through every bump in the road. Even though he knew us having a baby wouldn't be a breeze, he still, I don't think, knew all that it would entail. Of course I didn't necessarily, either, as every pregnancy is different . . .theoretically. Unfortunately I'm proving to be pretty predictable at developing pregnancy induced hypertension. Well, we'll enjoy because this is most likely the last two weeks of me being pregnant in my life. Sigh.

What else is going on? After being out from my job for over a month I've more or less forgotten about it. I want to be a stay at home Mom now. All that it would take would be for the summer home to sell. Wishing and praying have yet to work. So any good home selling vibes you can send our way are appreciated!

So now, I'll just continue laying here at home. And loving on my family as the situation allows. At least I've been able to be here at home for so long. The twins and Angelfish have been amazing. They know I'm different now, but have adapted to the situation like champs. I'm excited to add another little love to our brood, as this family MM and I have are the reason the world turns round for me. I really couldn't have a better life, bed rest and all.

Gah.

2011-04-28T10:11:00.003-05:00

Weather: Can't tell from in here
Drinks: Open Bar

One would think that with all the laying around I'm doing these days I'd be better at updating the island blog. But no. I suck.

We're basically just in a holding pattern, going to twice weekly OB appts and not much else.

Good news is we've got the C-section scheduled for May 31, if all goes well between now and then. But I'm not sure. This past couple of days my BP has been acting up off and on. I have an ultrasound this afternoon and an appt, so hopefully that goes well.

So I'm just hanging tight. Laying low. And big fat pregnant. Gah.

Back to Bedridden

2011-04-20T12:34:00.003-05:00

Weather: 82
Drinks: Open Bar

Sorry it has been so long.

Well, just minutes after my last post MM took me to my weekly OB appt, and lo and behold, my blood pressure was quite high and I dipped protein for the first time this pregnancy. The OB sent us straight to L & D for steroids, BPs over time, 24 hr urine and monitoring. They kept me overnight and finally sent me home after the 24 hr urine results came back at 5 PM that evening.

The number came in at 249 which is under the 300 mark for 'official' preeclampsia, but it was close enough they sent me home to bed rest. We had another appt on Monday, where my BP's were lower, but I'm still on the edge and only rest can keep me healthy at this point. At least that is my experience with Angelfish's pregnancy, and our plan for going forward.

So . . . .I'm now on bed rest for however long, and going to the OB 2x per week for NST's, BP checks and urine dips. I'll likely do 24 hr urine tests every two weeks if everything stays the same. Also, labs checking for HELLP have all come back great.

Bad news is all the kids and I have contracted a horrible chest infection that has us feeling miserable. I 'think' we're finally on the mend, but it has been arduous.

MM is doing his best to hold us all together and it is really hard to have to ask him to do everything that I usually do. He's taking it like a champ and reassures me this is a limited time thing and for the health of me and our baby boy. I know. My folks have also been champs and helped us out as much as they can.

I thought I would enjoy bed rest more than this, but knowing I won't have my job at the end of it has really put a damper on things. MM & I are prepared, but it is still crazy stressful to think about. I know it will all work out, but I'm still struggling with anger about it.

So that's the dealio here on the island. Hope everyone is enjoying their cocktails. I'm having a mocktail and it just isn't the same. I'm ready for this baby - for the most part, or just wish we could fast forward about 4 weeks pretty quickly.

You Know That Great Job?

2011-04-12T09:03:00.002-05:00

Weather: 72 & cool Drinks: Open Bar Just when I need a drink the most - can't have one. This pregnancy I was counting on going smoothly, and nearly stress free. Well, aside from a few bumps here and there, that has mostly been the case. We made it 30 weeks before the BOMB dropped. Apparently my employer doesn't look kindly on pregnancy and since I have not been here yet a year I do not qualify for FMLA and legally they are held to the State leave laws. Which is 8 weeks. Total. This is fine if you have a normal pregnancy, which I tend not to. First it started off with my boss being excited for me with the pregnancy. He said to let him know my plans and he would plan on working around what I wished. Then it has turned into we have a strict leave policy of 8 weeks, including any time prior to the birth. So . . .if I went on bed rest now, and delivered at 37 weeks like I did with Angelfish, I would have 1 remaining week where my job would be held. And then I will be terminated. HR told me I could 'reapply' for my job - but FUCK THAT. I guess I should have known something was up when I didn't see a single other pregnant woman in this office - EVER. In fact, a gal I don't even know came into my cube the other day and asked me if I planned on pumping after I come back to work b/c she had a baby 9 months ago and they didn't have a room for her to pump available. She said she didn't make a fuss about it, but if it's something I want to do to mention it now b/c all the rooms she used to try to use are filled with people now. GREAT. So now I'm on the fence. I can't help but hate this place and find malice for my boss. Just because you have a policy doesn't mean you can't make an exception. I'm sure they'll replace me with a man that is incapable of conceiving, just to be sure. So MM and I are researching our Plans B, C, & D. I guess I could ride on unemployment for a year and stay home with the kiddos. In fact, that would be nice. I just wish our Country Home (MM's house) had sold for good like it was supposed to a couple weeks ago. That would make this a whole lot less stressful. But it didn't so we still have 2 mortgages. So either I stay healthy and deliver like a normal person & come back to this place (ugh), or I get sick and get fired. In the mean time I've put feelers out for work starting in August. You know because it's so easy to get a job when you're 8 months pregnant. Happy fucking finish to my pregnancy.

Careening

2011-04-04T11:50:00.003-05:00

Weather: 79 & breezy - hold on to your hammock! Drinks: Pina Coladas Careening - is that really a word? I guess spell check says it is, so we'll go with it. Anyways, I'm getting that feeling - like I'm hurtling through space, absent of rhyme or reason, and it's making me anxious. For that I'm none too thrilled. We're going on day three of this now. One thing to consider is Saturday marked our 29 week mark, which, in the time of twins meant babies were 1 week to being born. Perhaps my body knows that somehow and is reacting subconsciously? Were I to have this baby this weekend I would be SHOCKED . . .and probably feel like I'd been hurtled through space, etc. I know with Angelfish at the 30 week mark I practically expected her to be born any minute. And at 31 weeks I felt overdue. We made it all the way to 37 weeks, in the end. Silliness, I know, but the body and mind are strange things and not always meant to coexist flawlessly. But now, here I am, working up to that 30 week milestone again, and while I have every intention of surpassing it with merely a nod of acknowledgement, I can't help but to silently fuss in my own skin. I just feel weird. And maybe it's just the regular expectant Mama fussing that everyone does, regardless of their pregnancy horror history. I did, after all, change out all the curtains in the house over the weekend - nesting to the extreme perhaps. And buy more nursing tops and pajamas and comfy capri length pants to ride out the summer . . . Think babies are expensive? Try me out in my 3rd trimester. Poor MM. He's so tolerant of me - in every way. He just lets me be me and supports me in whatever I need or want to do. Perhaps that could be another bit of my uneasiness?? I've never been pregnant with a partner, or a man worth a shit. In the book of How BlueBella Describes Her Perfect Life, the chapter covering pregnancy with a spouse is downright grueling for the man. I'm tough, with tough expectations. And MM has yet to show a single instance of weakness. He's been flawless. I. Mean. Flaw. Less. Sure, he makes chewing sounds when he eats that make me want to scream, but seriously, if that is all I have to complain about then my life is REALLY. STINKING. AMAZING. Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for anything to BE wrong. It's just that I'm wondering if my psyche is having trouble processing the fact that pregnancy can truly be a wonderful time for a couple? That it can bring us closer together? And it can all turn out just fine - no trauma necessary? I think I'm also realizing we're just that much closer to giving birth, too. And for me that means C-Section #3. Yikes. #1 wasn't bad because I was under general anesthesia and don't remember a thing for the next several days. Granted I was close to death, but I basically woke up to my prepreg body like I remember and very little pain. No problem. But #2, well, it was pretty terrifying. I basically felt like I was going to die on the operating table and my stomach was going to incinerate me from the inside out. Had I thought of the concept of spontaneous combustion at the time, that is how I would have assumed I was going to die. But I didn't, and after the next few days my recovery translated into a somewhat similar experience to the previous one. Now it's coming time for #3 and I'm scared. My experience is either I'm literally going to die, or just think I'm going to die. Nice birth experiences, huh? Hopefully this time around neither will be the case and we can just have a nice, calm, happy birth with a healthy baby boy, the end. Lots and lots for a Monday. Hopefully we'll have a good OB appt today and I can put my fears to rest for another week - and kick this creepy feeling to the curb. Hope you're all faring well.

Kidlessness

2011-03-28T13:47:00.004-05:00

Weather: 80 Drinks: Open Bar For the past 18-ish hours and for the next 30-ish hours MM and I are kid-less. Our Nanny took the week off and so my folks are in charge of kid detail. We took them to, as Angelfish calls them, Memaw and Pepaw's house, and left them there until tomorrow after work. And so our house is eerily quiet. Were I not pregnant already MM & I might have that as an excuse for something to do but my big fat butt is already pregnant. So. . . . MM took the day off to work on organizing the basement. I took him lunch. Instead of the screams, "Mommy!!!!!" upon my arrival that always make me feel like a rock star, instead I was greeted with a smiling MM and silence. Again, it is so weird. For a second I tried to imagine time was re-wound 4 years and MM and I were expecting our first children, the twins. And for a second I felt just as clueless as a first time Mom, standing there with my round belly next to my first time Dad hubby, in our quiet house. Whoa. Instead, our kidlets are safely stashed away at their grandparents and will be returning all too quickly. In the mean time, MM and I are going to get a couples massage tonight. SWEET!

Lots of Big News

2011-03-21T14:42:00.005-05:00

Weather: 79 & sunny
Drinks: Pina Coladas

Where to begin?

Our world this past several days has been a whirlwind! I swear life changes by the minute around here and if you're dozing or not paying attention you're totally missing out.

Biggest news: Our Country Home SOLD on Friday!!!!!

The week before last a couple looked at it, and as has happened too many times before - they chose the 1 other house they were looking at. But last week a couple viewed the home, asked a bunch of questions, and then made an offer. MM & his ex made a very reasonable counter offer and the next day the offer was accepted. Holyflippitycrap! After a year on the market and 9 months of MM and I making two mortgage payments, not to count all the yard (8 acres worth) and home upkeep he did during that time - we are very nearly, finally FREE!!!!!

This will take the financial burden off of us and allow us to truly enjoy having two incomes, in ONE house. And, we can finally start taking a serious look at the "What We Want To Do When the Country Home Sells Wish List".

Buy a vehicle easily suitable for our 4 car seat family (minivan).
Make updates to our home.
Take a vacation.
Save for braces and college.
Not run out of money 3 days before payday every fucking 2 weeks.
Relax.

Next Biggest News: The twins are signed up for preschool this fall!!!

I am in utter shock that their days of daycare are coming so quickly to a close. And boy are they ready for a new challenge. I know going to school will be an amazing next step for them and I'm so terribly excited, but the Mom in me is also a twinge sad - sad that they are growing up so stinking fast and knowing that these two gorgeous little beings with continue to grow and change as outside influences make their mark. While I'm definitely their toughest critic these days, I want nothing more than to protect their beauty and their innocence, too.

They're growing up, and dammit, I'm going to have to grow up with them!

More news: Angelfish is starting to potty train! My Mom stayed with me this weekend while MM did agility trials with his yellow lab this weekend, and she made it her mission to get the potty train moving. Angelfish only gave up ONE successful pee in the little potty, but dammit it was exciting. . . so exciting that with Memaw (how Angelfish says Grandma), Starfish, Sea Monkey and I all cheering in the bathroom we made so much noise we made Angelfish cry. I know, we're awesome cheerers.

On the other hand, Angelfish can "hold it" for quite some time and does get distressed when she wets her big girl underwear, so she's capable of learning it, she just needs to get all the pieces of the whole process put together. And she LOVES wearing underwear. You'd think she'd just won the jackpot as she races around the house and rolls around on the floor, laughing and giggling with those super thick training pants on. And I forgot how much I love her chunky thighs. They still have the little crease halfway up them from her baby days, but it is nearly outgrown.

More more news: #4 is 27 weeks now and I continue to be healthy as can be. We did find out my home blood pressure monitor was giving high reads, so in coordination with my Doc we're switching to weekly visits with BP check and urine dip w/ every other week visit seeing the Doc. I'm no longer taking home BP readings and amazingly it has calmed my mind immensely!

We had a regular appt today at the OB and had great BP and clean urine, so all is well. But on a sour note the OB did tell me the chances of me getting away with this pregnancy preeclampsia free are near zero. It can happen, but once you're a 2 timer like me, the path is pretty much set. We did talk about scheduling my c-section @ 39 weeks, but Doc said he really doesn't think we'll make it that far. So we're just going to wait a bit longer and see what happens. If history repeats itself, I've got just about 3 weeks left before I start spilling protein. Then we limp me along for 7 more weeks and deliver at 37 like we did Angelfish. I'm OK with that.

OK that's enough for one day. Guess that's what I get for not blabbering online for a few days. Ciao!

Here's the Plan

2011-03-17T15:10:00.003-05:00

Weather: 80
Drinks: Beer - home brew

Ok. We've got a plan.

A plan for the baby? No

For financial wealth? No

For a vacation? No

For a summer full of drinking beer? YES

Last summer MM gave me a choice: Would you rather take up the hobby of wine making or beer brewing?

Hmmmmm. Decisions, decisions. A hobby involving alcohol - yes please! It was at that point I KNEW I married the right man.

We settled on brewing beer. It just seemed . . .easier, and less frightening. Granted, grapes are much more appealing than grains in their original form, but let's leave the wine making to people speaking foreign languages and Californian, thankyouverymuch.

Since that fateful day, MM & I have brewed our little hearts out, perfecting the 5 gallon batch procedure. And have ended up with a basement full of suds. Some excellent. Some ok. And one or two absolutely obnoxious.

We even managed to brew 4 gallons of cider vinegar last fall when our batches of hard cider went awry. Good thing cider vinegar makes decent drain cleaner or we would have been eating fish and chips for the rest of all eternity.

But from the excellent batches we have 4 standouts - MM's original Vanilla Stout and a gorgeous Chocolate Porter, and my Amber Ale and Creme Ale.

When I got pregnant MM asked if he should quit brewing until after the baby is born. Hell NO! I replied. It takes a couple of months to produce a ready to drink beer and by god we better be stocking up for the day the baby is out of me and I can drink again. Granted I'll be breastfeeding, but it will be summer time and I'll make it work, because beer drinking and summertime are like twins conjoined at the heart.

So while my stints wearing the brew master cap stopped, MM patiently took over and continued to brew & experiment with recipes. The delicious smell of the wort would fill our house on those cold winter days and fog over the windows. The nice thing about that was knowing the beer he was brewing would be waiting for me just about as long as I would be waiting for it - and we would both then be ready.

A week ago MM mentioned he had been pricing small chest freezers. Forwhy? It's a cheaper version of a refrigerator when you install an external thermostat. Oh. My wheels turned.

Then we saw a couple of small freezers in KMart - just about the right size for two soda kegs. So what if we put said freezer in the sun room, just on the other side of the kitchen wall, and our sink. . . .and ran a short bit of tubing to a double tapper tower installed beside the sink?

More turning wheels. Searching. Pricing.
Turns out for about $300 we could have 2 kegged beers on tap in our kitchen, with childsafe locks of course. A plan.

Now we just need to decide which 2 beers will be first!!!

This Spring is the Best Yet

2011-03-16T12:21:00.004-05:00

Weather: 82
Drinks: Martini's

When the calendar flipped over March 2 this year, I had no idea how different life would feel in the following days. As the weather has warmed, my newly minted twin 4 year olds have blossomed into the most beautiful young people.

Granted, I have always thought they were just amazing, but the difference between this spring and last spring is palpable. Even my 1 remaining toddler is a new girl at 2 and a half.

The temperature has reached near 60's or 60 plus this week, and coming home from work means meeting the Nanny and the kids in the back yard . . .running, playing and generally having a blast. The back door is open, the dogs are in their portion of the yard and EVERYONE is happy.

Then Dad comes home and the fun transitions from the back yard to the front yard and our 4 stall slab of concrete in front of the garage becomes home to bikes, scooters, trikes, sidewalk chalk, soccer balls, basket balls, tennis balls, neighbor kids, buckets, you name it.

In fact, the kids play outside with Dad until nearly dark, or they get too cold, and just about then I have dinner ready. We eat, put jammies on, and go to bed after a cartoon or two.

It. Is. Bliss.

And I can't believe the difference in expecting another baby with the youngest being 2.5. Looking back I have no idea how we survived two year old twins and a 6 month old two years ago - and without Dad. Were I to have to go back to that now I think I just might die of fright.

But now I get to have conversations with my kids. They are asking questions about the world around them constantly. Last night a question about 'what's that on our roof' turned from an explanation of satellite television, to a dialog about space and the moon and how you need lots of school and training to become an astronaut.

Starfish proclaimed to MM as he walked in on the very last of the conversation, "I'm going to be an astronaut after I go to lots and lots of school!" Her arms shot up in the air, her face beaming and her legs propelled her repeatedly off the deck.

Life is good. It is so, so good.

Change of Heart

2011-03-09T09:09:00.004-06:00

Weather: 80
Drinks: Vino

For the past several weeks I've been waiting. Waiting like a bird on an egg - for preeclampsia to hatch and pop me onto bedrest.

And I'm ready. MM & I redid our bedroom - painted it the most luscious shade of brown, put up a swanky new bed & nightstands, updated the curtains and bedding, rolled in the baby's dressing table and bassinet and put up a new 47 inch flat screen tv. My hoard of yarn for crocheting is safely tucked in my nightstand and under the bed. The Roku box is poised and ready to deliver Netflix movies at the touch of a button. My blood pressure cuff is on my night stand. The styrofoam cooler is poised and ready to keep my pee cold during the 24 hour protein tests.

I'm ready.

But after our BP scare weekend 3 weeks ago, all is calm and quiet - no protein, no high BP, placenta is functioning normally and baby is growing like a weed. I'm feeling a bit like the girl who cried wolf.

Granted, we're in our 26th week. Nothing went officially went afoul until 30-ish weeks with my other two pregnancies.

But it's hard to not feel like a fool, sitting in the doctor's office on an extra visit of my own doing - and turning out healthy as can be.

Believe me, I WANT to be healthy as can be. I WANT a normal pregnancy. And although a tiny part of me, that working mother of 3 in me, would relish a few weeks of bedrest right about now, I don't want that at the expense of my baby or my health, or the rest of my family for that matter.

And while the past several weeks have had me thinking preeclampsia and bedrest were an inevitability, a growing part of me is starting to believe it just might not be that way this time around. So much is different. We have MM. The twins are 4 now, not 18 months. My stress levels are nil.

Basically all I have to do is wake up, go to work, come home, love my family and go to bed. If I'm tired, MM lets me sleep. If I'm hungry, I eat. If I need a hug or snuggle, there's 4 people lined up to fill my arms. I want for absolutely nothing.

Maybe I'm just afraid to try to embrace the notion of having a 'normal' pregnancy. I've never had one, so why should it change now? There's a delicate balance between accepting reality as it is and fighting for something different. My history does not bode well. But my future is unwritten.

So much is unknown about preeclampsia, it feels like trying to avoid it is like fighting a ghost. And I don't want to waste a bunch of mental energy only to be crushed by an inevitability.

Bottom line - right now I'm going to function like I'm healthy and get on with it. Should something fall apart in the coming weeks, we'll deal with it then. I don't like it, the unknown that is, but it's all I've got to hang on to until this pregnancy is complete.

Inevitably

2011-03-07T13:20:00.003-06:00

Weather: 82 & sunny
Drinks: Open Bar - everything sounds delicious!

Inevitably, at some point in each day I:

*Lose food in my cleavage.

*Cry at something stupid on TV.

*Choke on my own spit . . .in front of my husband.

*Spit while talking . . .to coworkers during meetings.

*Groan while standing up.

*Grow a new pimple.

*Take more time to wipe than it took to pee.

*Eat more than is comfortable.

*Try to fight off a nap.

*Forget what comes next.

It's just glorious being me right now. 25 weeks. Less than 15 to go. Wish it was 15 days instead of weeks . . .don't know if I'll have any dignity left after that.

The Blizzard that Started It All

2011-03-02T11:08:00.009-06:00

Weather: Perfect
Drinks: Two-fer Twin Drinks today - everything's doubled up!

March 2nd is a HUGE day in our house .. . it's Starfish and Sea Monkey's Birthday!!!!! Today they turn 4 years old. Par-tay!!!

I know it's cliche to say how fast time flies once you have kids, but my God - it took me less time to get through college than how old the kids are now . . . yeesh!!!!!

This day is also the 3rd time in 4 years I have been pregnant on March 2. Three years ago, on the twins' first birthday, I found out I was pregnant with Angelfish - starting the day before. And concluding with the resounding I'm Pregnant, that morning.

Today I'm 25 weeks pregnant with #4. Yippee!

But let's back up to the day that started it all. . . in 2007. We had one of the worst winters in memory, and one of the worst blizzards that Friday morning. I had just started a new job the day before, because the stress of my previous job had been immense, and I knew there was no way I could continue that lifestyle with twins on my own. An opportunity to work less and get paid more presented itself and so at 30 weeks pregnant with twins I took the plunge.

My boss at the time was amazing and understanding, and knowing we were having terrible weather on Thursday and more was to come on Friday he said to call him Friday morning and he would let me know whether I needed to come in to work or not that day. Friday morning I called at 6 am and he said 'stay home!', besides, everything in Capitol City was closed anyways. . . downtown, even the interstates.

For some reason shortly after learning I was getting my 2nd day of work off, Sperm Donor called and offered to bring me breakfast. I agreed. He showed up, handed me a McDonalds sack and proceeded back to the bedroom to pass out. I then called my family practice doctor since the headache I had for 2 days already wouldn't let up and I thought I had a sinus infection. They said they could get me in at 2 PM if I could make it through the snow. I agreed. Just then a co-worker from my previous job called me from California. He and I had become very close friends.

As I sat in my sunroom, watching thick gusts of snow fly sideways past the slider windows I told him, 'No, don't even try to come home from CA today - everything's closed anyways!'. And then I saw something in my vision that looked like a disco ball - all bright and shiny and twinkling. 'I think I need to call my doctor, somethings wrong.' I said and hung up. I went for my purse to get the number for my OB, but realized I quickly was losing my vision. I grabbed my purse and carried it with my phone back to the bedroom, where I woke Sperm Donor. I thrust my phone at him and said, 'Call 911, I'm dying'. That was the last thing I remember clearly.

There were muffled shouts from EMT's and I was crying hysterically. I couldn't see anything - I was blind. They asked me if I'd taken anything. I said no. Was I trying to hurt myself? WTF? NO! I could feel the stretcher jostling down my front steps. Please don't drop me I thought. Ma'am, why are you crying?! I don't know!

You're going to have the babies today, a voice said. It was the OB doc I knew, I just knew I was going to deliver with. The only time I had met him prior was shortly after the ultrasound revealed two babies. He was curt, quick, and I didn't like him one bit. But I knew he would be the one to deliver me. And I knew his voice and saw him for a brief second.

No, they're too small, I said.

You are very sick. You have to have them right now. We're going to do the best we can to get you and the babies through this, but if it comes down to it, we will do everything we can to save you.

I couldn't move, I couldn't see - everything was a blurr, or completely missing.

Next we were in the OR and the head anesthesiologist told me she had two other anesthesiologists with her to help. This is the room where we do the brain surgery. And for a brief moment I could see the massive tiled room, and the massive amount of people scurrying around it in scrubs and masks. There were two tables surrounded by teams of people towards my feet, and more people at my midsection, and more around my head. Then the sheet went up and I went out.

The twins were born at 12:25 Starfish, and 12:26 Sea Monkey. Both weighed 3 lbs 7.5 oz. I got to see them briefly that night, from a gurney, each of them wired and tubed into open isolets, but in the same room. They were so tiny. But they were the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I was then wheeled off to the ICU where I don't remember much for the next couple of days.

I remember begging to see my babies. The nurses wheeled my hospital bed, along with all my hoses and wires to their room for 5 minute visits, once per day.

I remember waking up to find my Mom holding my hand, her head tipped down because she had fallen asleep. I told her I'm so sorry. And she said Don't be. I felt so bad I had put everyone in this position, for getting sick.

I remember asking for something to drink and being given ice chips with a little 7-up on them and thinking they were the best thing I had ever eaten.

I remember begging the nurse to comb my hair as I could feel it worked into a rat nest. As she combed I thought it felt like heaven.

It took me a week to be released from the hospital I was a horrible patient. I couldn't remember anything and was angry because I felt fine, but couldn't remember I was so sick and didn't understand why everyone was being so mean. I was sent home on two different, powerful blood pressure medications that had to be taken on different schedules day and night. My folks woke me in the night to give it to me.

The babies steadily grew and improved and were released after 6.5 weeks in the NICU. They have no lasting effects from being born @ 30 weeks. They are perfect and they are whole.

I am forever thankful they don't remember that day, as its fuzzy details are etched into not only my mind, but who I am as a person. While I never doubted the three of us would survive that day, as close as we're told we came to death is something I take with a grave humility.

The twins' birthday is a day we not only celebrate the gorgeous people they're growing into, but a day I am thankful to never have to repeat. Each year as it gets further into the past I find myself reflecting on it in a slightly different way. It's less a fresh memory and more a lesson I'm so glad I lived to learn from.

This year we celebrate a girl and a boy, born under tragic circumstances, who have become young people that delight, frustrate, and amaze me every single day. I had no idea what love was until they entered this world. And our other highlight this year is getting to celebrate it with MM, the man who has become their Daddy. This past year has brought the three of them together in a way I could only have dreamed.

Part of me wonders if MM and been their father from conception if we ever would have had to go through eclampsia at 30 weeks? I'd like to think not, but we'll never know. We are where we are now, and that is what is important. And the twins are none the wiser. They won't have memories of that time unless I choose to share it with them.

So today we celebrate, we par-tay!!!!!

Starfish, Sea Monkey, I love you with everything I have. I'm so proud of the people you are and thankful every single day that I'm lucky enough to be your Mom.

What Happened to All the Scandal???

2011-03-01T15:02:00.003-06:00

Weather: Scattered showers
Drinks: Stormy Seas - not sure what's in it, but Big Dirk knows how to make a frothy drink

Friday, while trying to stay awake after lunch, I re-read my blog postings from the end of 2008 backwards to August-ish.

I had been meaning, for awhile now, to peruse that time frame mainly for the refresher of my preeclampsia diagnosis and time on bed rest with Angelfish since we're possibly heading in the direction once again. It was interesting to listen to that version of myself, in the thick of those conditions, and to relate to her as the person I am today.

While I didn't have a great circumstance, all things considered (single Mom with a horrible Nanny, nonexistent baby daddies, trying to hold everything including herself together with little more than a gum wrapper and a few swear words) I really, really like that version of myself.

But what I also realized is that since marrying MM I have changed a lot.

I have been allowed to shrink back to a normal sized Mom - and just be a Mom. I don't have to be this inflated version of parenthood that comes with being single. Being both God and Country for your kids. Being a superhero. Being MacGyver. Wearing the pants AND providing the boob.

But call it what you want. People told me when I was pregnant with my twins that I was lucky to have twins first. That way I wouldn't know any different and could never lament the idea of having a singleton to care for and then have twins bitch slap me in the face. I think the same thing about being a single parent. I'm glad I did that first. That way I didn't know any different and couldn't compare life to the time when there was an active father to the life I was living alone with my children. I think I would have died.

I think I would have died knowing what I know now - with MM as my husband and the kids' father. He's the other half I didn't know we were missing. He has changed our lives in such an immeasurable way - I can't even describe it. Sure I have all the regular Mom worries still, but I don't WORRY. Sure I feel all the parental responsibility still, but I don't shoulder it alone. If I need help, it's there.

And I don't have to be everything to each of the children all the time. I can have downtime and not feel (too) guilty. I can point in a direction and action will be taken, without me leading the way. I can stop to appreciate. I can mess up. I get the luxury of compromise.

And finally, amidst all the craziness of a growing household full of children and dogs, there is peace.

But peace, what fun is that???!!! Where did all the DRAMA and SCANDAL go??? In re-reading the end of 2008 I was also flashed back to all the happenings going on back then. The circling vultures. The exes, late night calls and lunches. Yikes!

I'm too old for that crap now!!! I've gotten horribly spoiled and can't fathom going back to that life . . .not even for a split second. Sure, there's still a dirty bird brain rattling around up in my head, but really, as proud as I am of the person I was back then, she's paid her dues. She can go on living in my writings and memories. But I don't miss her. I'm glad to say I once was her - that fighting, searching, scrappy Mommi - but life here in 2011 is exactly where I want to be.

Older, wiser & wider (for now) . . .:)

A Welcome Guest

2011-02-28T15:18:00.003-06:00

Weather: 85 - soaking up rays at the pool
Drinks: Margs

I don't know who this woman is, but I like her and really, really want her to stay around. She's alert, happy, fun, cooks, cleans, showers, plays with the kids and has sex with her hubby - all in single day and without a nap. In fact, she's been here with us for nearly 3 days now & I think we're going to keep her.

I don't know where she came from, but I love her. Oh, and she has really beautiful low blood pressure amidst it all. It's crazy, I know.

Some people get their energy back as they hit the 2nd trimester of pregnancy. Apparently some other people have to wait until closer to the 3rd trimester.

Anyways, whatever it is, here's hoping it sticks. I like going places and doing things. I like feeling capable. I like accomplishing goals. And living in a clean house. Better late than never, I guess.

So MM and I took our pack of kiddlets to a movie on Saturday - Gnomeo & Juliet. It was not only a cute movie, the kids had a blast and were very well behaved. For some reason it just sounded like a good idea and we all had fun. Last week this would have been impossible for me. Or, had we gone it would have taken the rest of the weekend for me to recover. Instead, it was like fuel that still feels like it's burning today.

And Wednesday is a big day in our house - the twins turn 4!!!! Good lord where has the time gone???

Zombies Are More Alert

2011-02-25T12:16:00.003-06:00

Weather: 82 & sunny
Drinks: Open Bar - it's the WEEKEND!

Lunch. Induces. Coma.

I know I complain a lot on here, but really, this bit of my day is getting old.

Eat lunch. Stagger. Have epic mental struggle to stay at work v. go home and crawl in bed. Every. Fucking. Day.

I'm blogging right now to try to trick my mind into being productive so I can do something fun for awhile & get over this sleep urge and then round out my day with updating a visio diagram of my project portfolio for the rest of the year.

Yeah, that's going to work on a Friday afternoon.

Instead I think I'll kill another hour or so, then sneak home while the kids are napping and nap myself. I've got to rest up for tonight. My folks are visiting with my Uncle. This Uncle - he's the one in the glasses who's voice you hear . . . .not the guy in the hat. It's long, but wait for it.

Peace.

Babying the Baby Till There's A new Baby to Baby

2011-02-24T10:28:00.002-06:00

Weather: 79 & calm . . .I'm gonna lay in the hammock ALL DAY
Drinks: Margs - every flavor

In about 3 months there will be a shift in the force at our house and a new baby will begin his reign.

Until then, the past 2.5 years under Angelfish's baby rule have seen some wonderful times. She has the most delicious smelling cheeks and laughter like no other. But her reign is wearing thin, and she's getting quite large for her title.

She has also become VERY, VERY TWO.

In our past two outings she has managed to silence both restaurants we have gone to with her screaming. Yes, the screaming because she doesn't get what she wants. The screaming though the scowl, with head thrown back to maximize volume. Although it doesn't phase me much, the silence that falls upon the venue is a bit disturbing . . .I mean really, haven't you people ever seen a toddler before? Its not like suddenly an unchained white tiger strolled up to our table or anything.

Not to mention the arrival of her two year molars that I managed to forget about until my stylist asked me about it on Monday.

With the twins I didn't mind them growing up as I was pregnant with Angelfish. I knew I had another baby on the way to fill in where their babyhood left off.

But for some reason, maybe because this baby is most likely our last, I'm having a bit of trouble letting go of Angelfish's babyness. Or maybe it's because I now know what the next steps of toddlerhood entail. . . .

Potty Training.

Toddler Bed.

The other day over lunch MM brought up the fact he's been doing research on potty training methods.

That alone made me want to pack up and move out until the whole process is over with.

I *HATE* potty training.

Sure it means freedom from the expense of diapers . . . but it means being CHAINED to the freaking bathroom for about a year! I just now got over my phobia of every time either of the twins says 'I have to go to the bathroom!' that they wouldn't just pee their pants 1.5 seconds later. And never mind taking a toddler or two to use a public toilet. Just tattoo FUCKING GERM FREAK on my forehead and scream 'Don't touch anything!!!' before nailing me in a coffin.

Good lord. Perhaps it's because I have twins and potty training wasn't just for one, but two kids at once. It has been one part of being a twin parent that really was twice the work. And I'm lazy. Diapers are easy.

The twins have been potty trained for nearly two years & they are awesome at it. I still get called to wipe butts, but who cares? It's way easier than a diaper . . . NOW . . . two years later.

Angelfish is 2.5. I sort of thought with the twins constantly using the bathroom that she'd take the queue and decide she wanted to use it too, but no. She shows very little interest in anything toilet related as of yet, other than slamming the lid repeatedly until I remove her from the bathroom.

She thinks taking her diaper off is funny and runs away when you try to change her poopy diaper. So I'm not convinced she's ready. And when MM brought this whole idea up, admittedly it made me cringe.

I'm still OK with our "baby" being in a crib (that she loves and shows no sign of wanting to leave) and being in diapers for a while longer. It's fine with me. Admittedly I'm not ready for her to move on from these things, but I believe it is because she is not ready to move on from these things.

Perhaps the new king baby will change all of our minds as he lays down the laws of his upcoming rule. Or MM will strike out on his own to spearhead the 3.0 version of potty training in our kingdom. I'm fine with that. Just let me live in my cozy little world of denial just a little bit longer, until I get the new sovereign out of me. Because I can't take it right now. I like my baby, even though she's really not much of a baby anymore.

Lessons I Can't Learn

2011-02-22T10:41:00.003-06:00

Weather: 85 - hot!!!!
Drinks: Bloody Mary Bar - make your own salad drink

So . . . .over the weekend I lost a long fought battle with myself.

However dramatic I try to make it feel, it really just boils down to me needing to accept a part of myself for the way it is. . . .

MY HAIR.

For the past say, 8 years I have been 'trying' to grow out my hair to somewhere past shoulder length. It hovers around my shoulders, but rarely gets much longer. And my hair grows VERY SLOWLY.

I mean, VERY. SLOWLY. Girlfriends of mine are constantly having to get their roots touched up because they grow out so fast, and are swishing around these gorgeous silky locks mere weeks after getting a bob, practically. And I am barely eeking out a quarter inch of hair a month. So factor in breakage and trims, and my ability to sport a Taylor Swift do is nil.

Rewind to two weeks ago. I got high and low lights done by my FAV hairstylist. I didn't get a cut because I'm TRYING TO GROW MY HAIR OUT. She repeatedly said I needed a trim, so it got into my head I needed to buck up and have just a tiny bit taken off. Because, finally, my hair was past my shoulders.

So instead of having my stylist do it, I asked my Mom to give me a trim. She barely skimmed off anything, to which I was sort of happy. But after further inspection, the texture and fullness of my hair was really starting to bother me. My hair is thick and wavy, and factor in pregnancy and that I'm not shedding any hair at all right now, and I have a downright massive mess up there to deal with.

This Saturday found me in my bathroom with a pair of scissors. MM walked in on me mid snip. I told him not to worry and shoo shoo get out.

I was merely trying to get rid of some of the bulk of my hair without losing any of the length. And of course, instead of letting someone else do it I decided to screw it up myself.

Finally, last night, I had to go get it professionally fixed as I couldn't stand it anymore. And now I'm left with hair that is several inches shorter, and with a whole lot of remorse.

BUT, while styling it this morning I found myself LOVING my new do, and given an inch or so of length I think I'll have possibly found a hairstyle I can actually live with.

So why do I have this image of having long hair and can't wait until it's finally there, and then hate it so much I have to self sabotage into a shorter cut? I really don't get it, and all the promises I make to myself in the world haven't managed to break this cycle in the near decade I've been dealing with it.

On a positive note, the stylist I went to helped me figure out Angelfish is teething her 2 year molars. She's been cranky and snotty for a couple weeks and I just figured it was that old cold hanging on or perhaps the appearance of allergies with the warm weather we've been having, but low and behold she's got some giant teeth breaking through back there. No wonder she's been a beast. Poor missy is getting tylenol from now on.

I guess everything happens for a reason. I have to screw up my hair to find out my baby is teething. I'll do anything for my kids, but really??? There should have been an easier way that caused less trauma to my poor little ego.

****

Finally, I've been having dreams about my sister lately, where I'm just so mad at her. It's been pretty unsettling and I'm not sure how to handle it. It's been nearly a year since our relationship train wrecked - about the time MM and I started dating again. I've taken the stance of just let it be and avoid situations where we're alone together as the last time that happened I was ambushed and ended up having to call my Dad for a ride home since I didn't have my phone and his number was the only one I could remember.

But it sucks, as we were quite close for a couple of years, especially when I was pregnant the last time. I'm sure being pregnant now is bringing up those feeling again and my psyche is trying to process through them. I just don't know what to do. She really hurt me at a time when I thought we really trusted each other, and I don't want to put myself in that position again. Despite doing everything I have done to take care of myself and my family, I still feel like I'm bound by the stupid mistakes I have made in the past, and somehow she thinks her life is just so much more respectable than mine.

Sure, I haven't taken the straightest path to where I am today, but I have ALWAYS taken care of my family, my work, & my home. My struggle, really, was in finding the right guy. And I learned from my past mistakes. Sometimes it took awhile, but I did learn. And now I have the most amazing, wonderful husband on the planet and my sister and I can barely meet each other's eyes. I mean, seriously?????

Maybe I should shave my head bald and I can figure this one out. Yeesh.

Flopflop Season Has Arrived

2011-02-18T11:12:00.002-06:00

Weather: 81 & gorgeous
Drinks: Open Bar

Ok, so I know it's still February, and it will snow again, but this past batch of 60+ degree days has sent me striking out into the world bare toe'd. And what a world of good it has done to my psyche. Life is just so much better when a sweatshirt will do the job of keeping one warm, and my little piggies can be free in the breeze.

Even my plants are perking up, looking forward to long days spent on the deck, pelted by rain and humid heat.

I'm also looking forward to a new baby, maternity leave, and getting my body back. Not that I don't love having a big belly for a good reason, it's just pregnancy doesn't really suit me that well and as I'm facing another round of preeclampsia it's getting a bit long in the tooth. OK, enough griping.

So what's around the corner? The twins are having their 4th birthday in 12 days. My babies will be FOUR. I can hardly believe it. But every day they show me just how grown up they're getting. Gawd, four. Just that many years ago they were but a dream to me and I had no idea what this whole parenting thing was all about.

There's really not much else interesting going on around here these days. Life is normal, fun and full. I can't really complain. Now for a 3 day weekend!!!

Planet Pregnant and Past Demons

2011-02-16T13:14:00.003-06:00

Weather: 80
Drinks: Gin & Tonic, Extra lime

At 22+ weeks pregnant, it's pretty hard to not think about being pregnant quite a bit. The bump of your belly is undeniable from the outside and the kicks and punches coming from the inside seal the deal. You're officially quite pregnant.

So, my apologies for pregnancy rants henceforth. In the coming weeks. Months.

Over the weekend I finally nagged myself into cleaning up the East end of our master bedroom for the baby. Since there will be no switching of kid rooms any time soon, I settled on a plan of moving the changing table and bassinet into our room and making that side of the room up for the baby. It turned out delicious and as soon as I get a couple more things done I'll post pics.

Unfortunately, during our recent room renovation, the table I had been using for a nightstand for forever no longer had a place in our bedroom. It's an awful hand me down from my ex-hubby's brother's inlaws. Which makes me think, why do I have every one's parent's old bedroom furniture in my bedroom??? Anyways, the old crappy table had to be cleaned out so I could send it to it's doom in the garage. That was the unfortunate part . . . the cleaning out part. Because, you see, I had old letters from the twins' hateful sperm donor, his grandparents and aunt in there. And of course I read them.

The good part was I'm in the most loving, stable, joyful place I've ever been in my life right now. I have a husband I wouldn't trade for world peace. So the words I read on those papers had much less of an effect on me than they would have had my life not continued to move forward. But it didn't help how quickly those words could transport me back in time, back to those blackest of days where I couldn't even see my own hand in front of my face.

So I burned those terrible letters in the fireplace, and MM gave me his nod of approval. But even as the smoke and flames devoured the evidence of that time, internally I could feel my body reacting. I took my blood pressure and it was high. I proceeded to lay down for the rest of the day and intermittently took my pressures, each hovering well above my normal, and as I laid there it made me think of how awful I had felt during my pregnancy with the twins because of their father, and how I didn't even get the warning of having preeclampsia, I just jumped straight to having a seizure at 30 weeks. Part of me thinks he robbed me of a healthy pregnancy.

And of course that led me to think of my pregnancy with Angelfish and how I did get diagnosed with preeclampsia that time and was able to manage through it with the help of my amazing family and doctors.

So at 22+ weeks, with our son still not quite yet viable, my BP's have risen. MM had desperate hopes of a perfect pregnancy, and has made every effort imaginable to ensure my comfort, rest and happiness. Perhaps the letters triggered it, or it was already happening and I just hadn't noticed it yet, but our visit to the Dr on Monday confirmed my suspicion that we will end up on bedrest and I will have preeclampsia.

I did a 24 hour urine test yesterday and turned my spoils in this morning. I'm waiting for the results this afternoon. I don't imagine my protein will amount to anything just yet, but odds are it is just a matter of time.

On the plus side, I have MM now to see me though this. And we will get though it, one way or another. And we will have a healthy baby boy to add to the crew in the end. And then, I think we really will be done. As much as we like to dream about having another, we're finding it hard to justify against the risks involved. My body is strong in so many ways, just not in housing babies.

So now I'll just go back to staring at my phone and willing it to ring with good results.

Here's Wrapping Up 2+ Weeks In Hell

2011-02-08T13:04:00.002-06:00

Weather: 81
Drinks: Open Bar

Sooooooooo.

The past 2+ weeks have been a living nightmare. What began with me having a sinus and respitory infection quickly evolved into me having the barfing flu, which translated into Angelfish barfing and poo'ing the most rancid diapers known to mankind, MM barfing for days and finally the twins rocking out Friday night/Saturday morning alternating barfing at 30 minute intervals. Then the nanny, her hubby and daughter were barfing this weekend, too.

To top it off, I slipped and fell on the snowy steps at my girlfriend's house on Saturday night and managed to bruise up my back, waist and ribs just hours before I started round 2 of the barf flu on Sunday morning.

But that's all the complaining I'm going to do. Instead I'll celebrate my fat arse for 1) keeping me alive when I couldn't eat for several days, and 2) for cushioning my fall onto the stone steps and protecting my unborn son.

See - FAT has its purpose. And for once, I used it. . . twice. Whatever. Today I am very thankful for my fat butt. Period.

The Ghost

2011-02-02T15:24:00.003-06:00

Weather: 79
Drinks: Rum Punch

Ever since I bought my house 5 years ago, it's had this feeling to it. The feeling was generally in the up-upstairs (house is 3 floors) and since we don't use that part of the house much it wasn't really an issue. I also had a friend of mine cleanse the house before I moved in and that seemed to help.

But as the years have gone by more and more people have noticed that we're not living there alone. Both of my Nannies have come to that conclusion on their own, without prompting, and are emphatic about the presence.

It is not malicious, scary or devious - it is mostly just 'there'. Perhaps I've just gotten used to it because I really don't think about it much, though there was a time shortly after Angelfish was born that I started to see movement out of the corner of my eyes on a constant basis. At that same time the Nanny was FREAKED because she had started seeing it a lot, too.

So one night while sitting on the pot getting ready to go to bed I saw it out of the corner of my eye and told it to stop it because it was scaring us. And it did. But it's a persistent presence that doesn't want to leave us alone. In fact, I think it likes the kids quite a lot.

Every time the twins talk to me about seeing shadows I try *really* hard to pay attention and ask non threatening questions to probe into what exactly they saw. Getting reliable info out of a 3 year old can be frustrating, but I do know we ended up with covering the large mirror in their bedroom with a sheet and leaving the light on low with the dimmer switch so they could sleep at night. It works so I'm not complaining.

But then there's 2 year old Angelfish. She's a rock star at going to bed, and staying in bed. No child loves her sleep more than that girl. In fact, if she's tired and we don't put her to bed when she's ready she'll get her binkie, blanket and grab the sides of her crib and cry until we put her down. And putting her down means laying her in bed, tucking her covers over her and telling her love you good night - shut door.

And even when she wakes up in the middle of the night she doesn't cry, she will laugh and play quietly until she falls asleep again. Seriously.

But lately her little midnight parties have gotten quite a lot more boisterous. As MM and I were watching TV late at night on the weekend we heard her in her room partying like a rock star. I muted the TV to listen to what she was saying as she was not just laughing but talking. Granted she has a 2 year old vocabulary with 2 year old sentences, but what she does say is pretty emphatic. We both heard her yell, "Go away! It's my blanket! Go to sleep!" and then giggle.

MM and I stared at each other, wondering what to do. So MM quietly went in there and told the ghost to leave her alone and told Angelfish it was time to go to sleep.

I still hear her words echoing in my head. Now I just need to get up enough nerve to set up the video recorder in her room after dark. . . maybe that is tonight's project.

Circular Movements

2011-01-31T11:13:00.004-06:00

Weather: 79 & sunny
Drinks: Bloody Mary's

Some people like to bake their babies for a long time . .. like a crazy 40 weeks or more. My girlfriend in Baltimore is currently trying to push out her 41 week baby as I speak. He's totally well done.

Our baby is 20 weeks now. Halfway for a normal pregnancy. But my body likes my babies like I like my steak - rare. The twins were pan seared at their 30 week arrival. Angelfish was medium done at 37 weeks. And I'm hoping this baby makes it closer to the crispy burnt ends stage before his arrival.

But.

There's always a but.

The back of my mind is getting all itchy to get things ready for the baby post haste. Like. Right. Now. I want to be picking paint colors, setting up the crib, organizing diapers and onsies . . .you know, just in case.

For the other 3 kids my folks made sure we had their rooms ready nearly by now. But this time we have a problem.

We're out of bedrooms downstairs.

I know I've blabbered on about moving the twins upstairs before, but over the weekend MM and I took a long hard look at the space up there and actually started trying to visualize the set-up up there. The space is finished and for about the cost of some paint, a wall and 2 doors we could get them moved up there easily.

But then we move Angelfish to the twins' room and turn Angelfish's room into the baby's room. And the baby isn't due to arrive until June, and will no doubt be sleeping in our room for the first 5-6 months anyway. So I don't know why I'm stressing this right now. In all likelihood we have nearly a YEAR to get this all accomplished.

Maybe I'm just excited to get the baby stuff ready? Probably. OK so maybe excited isn't the best word - how about ecstatic. Yes, I'm ecstatic to get the baby's room ready. I already have a vision of it in my head - and it's pretty freaking fantastic, assuming we're still having a boy.

Tomorrow we have our 20 week ultrasound so we'll find out the gender for sure, and then I can contemplate when to institute my full court press on the renovation/redecoration issue.

Good news is all I have to do is point MM in the right direction on what I want and he will methodically and logically accomplish it with pride. And at this point I can probably do a fair amount of helping him with it. Bad news is there's a lot of work to be done & I don't want to do fruit basket upset before it's really necessary.

So in the mean time, between now and tomorrow morning's scan, I'll just swim around in the circular motion that will happen sometime in our family's future.

Saddle Up

2011-01-28T14:44:00.003-06:00

Weather: 82
Drinks: Open Bar

Well. Whew. Gah.

Feels like I need to reintroduce myself to the world after this week.

I was belligerently sick with a sinus and respiratory infection and then the stomach flu. All fucking week.

Today is the first day I actually feel human - and like doing human things like eating and blinking.

In the past several days I have watched some HORRIBLE TV. Some sappy TV. My eyelids. The ceiling. The blankets. The bottom of the toilet. The insides of countless kleenex.

Poor MM has been running on fumes trying to keep up with work, the kids and me in all my disgusting snotty, coughy, puking glory.

But that is all of the past now. This morning dawned on me as a new woman, filled with an ability to shower and brush my teeth . . . and to get dressed. But wait, there's more! I went to WORK.

And the angels did sing.

****

So back to reality. And the reality of crazy preggo dreams.

Last night I dreamed MM and I were at our "Country Home", i.e. his house that he still owns with his ex-wife, which is on the market and probably won't sell for another 10 years, but anywho . . .so we were at the Country Home (it sounds so much more dignified to call it that) and were having a little romantic getaway. Or so I thought. Instead, his ex showed up and decided to stay with us. I didn't care for the idea, but I couldn't object really, because technically it's her house, too. And MM didn't seem to have a problem with it. OK . . .

Anyways. MM and I are sleeping in bed, and I wake up in the morning and look at him and find she's in bed with us on the other side of him! WTF??? There's nothing going on, and MM tells me it's no big deal, it's just like it used to be with them before they got divorced, sleeping in the same bed but in different worlds.

Still, I don't like it, but don't feel like I can say anything. So the morning goes on and she gets up to get ready for work and MM starts putting the moves on me and I'm like - um, your ex is in the bathroom, we're so not doing this! Finally she tells us goodbye and leaves for work and I finally say to MM - I really don't want to be put in this situation again. To which he agrees.

Lordy, lordy weirdness.

I guess what this dream tells me is I'm not a fan of the ex, but I have no jealousy towards her when it comes to MM. That's a good thing, right?

It also means I'm pretty much a nut job.

And at least it was better than my house that turned into a sailing ship dream I had the night before. And maybe I should lay off the crack pipe for a bit.

ciao

Sons

2011-01-20T14:47:00.004-06:00

Weather: 75
Drinks: Pink Champagne

Because of this little monkey, the idea of having another little boy sent me over the moon.

How can you not just want to squeeze him to pieces?

I believe boys are made purely for the gratification of their mothers. Sea Monkey is a prime example of the gluttony in which a mother can indulge.

While he can drive me crazy from time to time - i.e. screaming and crying for half an hour after I get home for the past two nights because the nanny has left before he got up from his nap and he's furious - or refusing to give me a goodnight kiss when my folks were here on Monday (don't worry, bud, I told him . . .I'll see you at 3 am and get my squeezins then) - his sparkling spirit and tender heart win me over time and time again.

Nearly without fail he makes his way to my side of the bed somewhere between 2 and 4 AM. We snuggle for a bit and then he gets sent back to his bed. Last night I was laying with my back facing the edge of the bed. I heard him climb in and waited to see what he would do since I wasn't in a cuddling position. Sometimes I wake up on my back pinned down by his lanky little body in my sleep, or I feel his approach and reach out my arms to pull him in.

But last night he got my back, and I was curious. He rolled on his one side, then the other. And back again, trying to get comfortable. Finally, I felt his arm swing over my own in a very lopsided attempt at spooning. He quickly ascertained that wasn't enough and I felt him hitch his body up my side in what would soon be his full body balanced on my side with all 4 of his limbs hanging down to the bed. Or he was going to go over to the armed side where he could command snuggles from me.

I stifled a giggle and rolled over to embrace my sweet boy. He promptly fell back asleep.

These days are numbered and I cherish them, even if it's at the sacrifice of my own comfort sometimes.

Sea Monkey, stay just the way you are . . . for a very long time - ok? And new little baby, come out just the same way, please. Because I LOVE LOVE LOVE my sons.

Work = Meh

2011-01-19T15:41:00.004-06:00

Weather: 80
Drinks: Open Bar

Meh.

That just about sums it up. Unless we want to go to me complaining about how I have nothing to complain about.

I have a great job. With great people. Making great money. With little to no stress. It's awesome.

But I'm just not feeling it.

Perhaps having the ability to and actually executing the creation of another human life makes every other job in the world pale in comparison? I'm making a human, dammit. What else is there that can top that?

The answer is nothing. And the fact that I can make a human and do the job I get paid to do at the same time is pretty freaking fantabulous. So I'll just shut up already and remind myself ONE MORE TIME exactly how fucking blessed I really am.

Someone should slap me. Or spank me . . . if they could bend this big belly over their knee.

Karma or Just Sensitivity

2011-01-14T14:48:00.002-06:00

Weather: 85
Drinks: Party-Berry Punch

Well then. After my last posing it took a bit of time to smooth all my feathers back down.

It took a migraine, in fact, to put me back in my place. I spent the majority of yesterday creating drool puddles in bed in my blacked out room.

So, either Karma is sending me a message to mind my own business, or my body is REALLY, REALLY sensitive to stress right now. I'm going to go with the sensitivity on this one. It feels better than thinking I was wrong.

******

Today I had the sudden realization there is an actual, live, growing human being inside me. A REAL one. That will come out some day. .. .as a baby . . .and live with us . . .and turn into one of the little people we have running rampant in our house.

It was like a sucker punch, right in the middle of my office at work. I about started bawling. Holy effing shit I'm pregnant!!!!

I know, super stupid. It's not like this is my first rodeo, or 2nd for that matter. You'd think I'd get it by now. But NOOOOO. My brain preferred to live in it's cozy little insulated container, protected from all the reality of this existence like a Beta fish in a tiny plastic cup. . .

Until 2 things happened:

Last night my 38 week pregnant girlfriend called and said her hubby just started freaking out about the fact they're having a baby. It just, finally, hit him in totality. It was no longer just an idea nor an event that's going to happen sometime waaaay off in the future - but in less than 2 weeks they would be responsible for a tiny human they made.

And on Monday my former Nanny started working for us again while our current Nanny takes 6 months off to trip the life fantastic. The former Nanny just had a baby 4 weeks ago and started bringing her son with her to our house. In her tiny son I saw my future son.

Hence my freak out episode. Yes, reality is a fact of life and generally a good thing. But not when it smacks you upside the head for absolutely no reason.

Guess that's what I get for thinking about things. And trying to look outside my tiny plastic cup.

How to Stuff Down Flaming Rage?

2011-01-12T13:30:00.002-06:00

Weather: 82
Drinks: Open Bar

Blog about it.

My heart is pounding. I know it's not my fight, but a part of me wants to drive 10 hours and rip a guy to pieces with a spork.

Instead I said something nasty on facebook to him instead.

Do I feel better? Not one bit. Again, it's not my fight, but my rage is just the same.

His offense? Pulling a Woody Allen on his underage adopted step daughter. Filth of the earth. What I saw was he commented on one of her status updates.

I need a drink.

Holy Hugeness Batman

2011-01-11T13:27:00.002-06:00

Weather: 82 & Sunny
Drinks: Pina Coladas

In case you were wondering on the visuals of what the little tadpole is doing to me - here ya go.

And we're not even halfway there yet. Had my OB not already extensively searched my uterus for additional fetuses I might be believing there was more than one in there right about now. But alas, all ultrasounds have shown a singleton.

MM's reaction to the belly expansion project? MM hugged me this weekend, and imagine those 'helper' chop sticks with the wad of paper between them, held together with rubber bands. Our heads were the ends of the chop sticks and the rest of our bodies pivoted at the baby bump. He pulled his face away from mine, grabbed my ass and attempted to bring his lower half forward to meet mine. "Gosh," he exclaimed, "I can't even rub my thingie on you anymore!"

Nice one, dear. Nice.

Happy Birthday MM

2011-01-10T15:32:00.002-06:00

Weather: Perfect
Drinks: Home Brew

Happy Birthday, my love.

Your main gift is on a carrier truck somewhere on it's way to Wednesday & inches upon inches of falling snow have ruined our evening plans with all your friends.

But you have a couple gifts from the children to open tonight, a chocolate cabernet cake made by the most amazing bakery in the world, and your family to surround you tonight, so all is well.

And please forgive me for leading you to believe I got you 2 kittens and a couple of large cat condo structures for your big day. I only do it because of that cute little cringe that sneaks upon your face because you're not sure whether or not to believe me about it. It gives me a giggle every single time.

Soon enough, though, you'll be satisfied that I truly am the Best Wife EVAH.

Happy Birthday, MM.

A Day I Never Thought I'd See

2011-01-06T15:42:00.002-06:00

Weather: 75 - chilly!
Drinks: Spiked Cocoa

When you've been a single parent for basically the entirety of being a parent, the idea that another person can accept and love your children as much as you do can be daunting to imagine. Especially when you think about the fact that their biological fathers chose not to be a part of their lives.

And aside from being a fierce mama bear in my own right, when I think about my children being deserted by their fathers and never really knowing them, it brings the full brunt of loving them in a way that feels like you need to love them enough for two parents. I take this task very seriously, and vacillating between the nurturing, loving parent and the task master was a precarious balance to say the least.

So when MM entered the picture many of my fears about the children having a 'real' father disappeared. We took our time and let their relationship naturally evolve as ours did. What I saw was a patient, kind, and willing man equal to the task of fatherhood in a way I only ever dreamed.

Having never had children of his own before, MM was thrust to the forefront of parenthood once our relationship quickly became serious. And so far he's nailed it. And I have no doubt he will continue to rock it out like he was never not part of our lives.

When our Nanny requested today and tomorrow off, MM quickly piped up he would take one of the days off to stay with the kids. A second thought about it never crossed my mind. I trust him completely. And after a couple of hours at work today it hit me, that I'd never even thought about it not being a good idea for him to stay home with the kids. And that he'd volunteered to do so.

Every day I thank my lucky stars and God and whomever else may be responsible for this wonderful turn our lives have taken with MM. I truly am thankful every single day.

Things I Make My Husband Do

2011-01-05T15:04:00.003-06:00

Weather: 79 and Calm
Drinks: Open Bar

If husbands aren't put on this earth to be tortured by their wives, then what the hell are they here for, anyways?

Too harsh?

Well, my husband was probably thinking this last night as I had him cornered in the bathroom with some alcohol and a needle.

OK, I know I've only officially had him as my hubby for just over 6 months and really shouldn't be pushing the envelope of spousal abuse tooo hard right now, but still, I can be a demanding wench when I get my mind made up. And he's doing everything in his power to keep his pregnant wifey happy. So much so he even had a gorgeous bouquet of flowers waiting for me in the bedroom when I got home last night. Whyfor? Because I'm carrying our child, he replied. Awwwwwww.

The bottom line is I've had a fixation on getting my ears pierced some more for several weeks. I don't know why, and it probably isn't the healthiest thing to do while pregnant, so I decided to compromise. Eons ago I had a piercing on my left ear that had grown closed, or so I thought. Last night I decided to try putting an earring through it and lo and behold it went halfway in. I tried to get it through that last layer of skin but with no luck and my knees threatened to buckle and send me straight to Faintsville.

Poor hubby happened upon me mid-stunt. So he was recruited to finish the job of stabbing my earring through. When he couldn't get it in .5 milliseconds he attempted to escape to the safety of the living room. No dice, Mr. "But I really, really don't want to piss you off cuz I wanna get laid tonight!" he pleaded.

Oh. That's it? Heh.

I procured a sharp needle from my sewing kit and slathered it with alcohol - put this through my ear and I guarantee you'll get some at bedtime.

His eyes rolled in his head and his doubt was palpable. He considered his predicament for a moment, weighing the odds of stabbing a needle through his wife's ear or running for cover. He took the brave route and retrieved a wine cork to put behind my ear to stab into. Very quickly we both heard a POP! and within a minute he'd gotten the earring in place.

Well done my dear - it barely even hurt!

He looked scared as hell and relieved at the same time. And perhaps we know each other just a little bit better now after this experience. . . ie I'm crazy & he deals with it.

Do I Look Like a Pirate Today?

2011-01-04T13:56:00.002-06:00

Weather: 88 - HOT
Drinks: Vodka Lemonade, frozen to beat this heat

No really, do I?

When I got dressed this morning I thought the blue and white striped shirt looked perfectly cute. I paired it with some skinny pants (more on this in a minute) and cowboy boots. Perfectly cute methinks.

Well. In the bathroom at work I catch a glimpse of myself, and just shy of a red scarf tied over my head and an eye patch, I think I look a bit more like a pirate than I'd like to admit.

What is worse is my office has a pirate theme. And no, I don't work the Pirates of Caribbean ride at Disney. I work in a legitimate office facility. Really I do. With a pirate theme.

Anyways. More than once I've found myself thanking my lucky stars I didn't wear my black knee high riding boots today instead of the cowboy boots - they would have been on the heavy side of swashbuckling and forced me to go home and change.

Luckily no one's growling AARG!! at me yet and I can hide in my cubicle until the sun goes down and I can go home.

Above all this - I'm half tempted to blame Heidi Klume for this fashion disaster.

What I wish I had thought more about yesterday, when purchasing these *skinny jeans*, is never, I mean NEVER buy maternity clothes from the clothing line of a supermodel. Period.

Because they are skinny bitches. And their clothes are made for skinny pregnant bitches.

I am a curvy bitch. Excuse me, a curvy pregnant bitch.

And I found out this morning these cute skinny maternity jeans are much better suited to cover peg legs than my silly flesh covered ones. But stupid stubborn me wore them anyway.

So as you're walking around normally today, imagine me in my pirate outfit cursing and yelling AAARG as I hitch up my ridiculously skinny supermodel maternity jeans over my ample booty.

Making My House OUR Home

2011-01-03T10:42:00.003-06:00

Weather: 80 & sunny
Drinks: Long Island Teas

Happy New Year everyone!!! Hope you enjoyed the bash on the beach. Looks like a few of you did, there's still swimsuits washing ashore here and there. Well done my friends.

In keeping with the idea of starting anew as the calendar rolls over to yet another year, over the weekend MM and I did applecart upset with our bedroom and gave it a whole new look.

As you may remember MM bought me a new bed for Christmas. Delicious. And that required new paint for the walls and a reorganize of everything. And the discarding of our horribly old and ugly nightstands and dresser.

What I didn't count on was what would happen when we shopped for new nightstands.

Over lunch last week MM took me to a huge furniture store for a look. We happened upon a section of furniture that caught my eye. It was rustic looking and mismatched . . .right up my alley, but totally not what we came in looking for. At closer inspection we found it was made from recycled boats and buildings . . . again totally up my alley as I love reusing things, especially when they're so beautiful. Luckily MM was as in love with the furniture as I was . . .our only problem was the price. While not outrageous, we were not intending to spend that much on additional items for our bedroom.

But, my mental wheels began turning. And as we purchased the finally agreed upon shade of paint for our bedroom (leather satchel), we also purchased some sample containers of several other shades, and a weathering compound to go with.

And while MM painted the bedroom, I painted the ugly old dresser, from which MM had removed the hideous brass hardware and scrubbed with a stiff & nasty metal brush. Over the next day evolved a piece of furniture I am completely in love with and can't believe was our janky old dresser. We purchased several different knobs for it and mismatched them. It completed the perfect look.

I now have my recycled furniture for the bedroom!!! I'm working on one of our old nightstands as well to match the dresser, and we have another large piece that also matches upstairs. We're debating on whether or not we want to move it down to our bedroom. We have room for it, but haven't totally decided on our final room configuration.

But I am sooooo excited how the room has evolved. It has made a room we share our very own. It was fun to create a project together that makes us both happy to do. It also saved us quite a lot of money. Granted it wasn't money we spent, but it was money we wanted to eventually spend. Best of all was we got to re purpose things we were ready to trash, and find a whole new appreciation for them as we created a space that is unique to us.

Bad news is I didn't take before pictures. Good news is I will take after pictures:)

And now the finishing touches are to be done . . .and then the rest of the house is fair game!

Pro-crastinator

2010-12-30T10:16:00.002-06:00

Weather: 80
Drinks: Bloody Marys

Don't worry folks, I'm a professional. And I don't just play one on TV. I'm a for realz pro-crastinator.

I mean, why not put off today what you can do tomorrow? Seems simple enough to me. And then, if tomorrow never comes, well then at least you didn't waste your time today doing something that totally blew chunks.

Holy crap I just pulled a tuft of hair out of the back of my head. Literally it was like 13 strands - I counted. So much for running my fingers through my hair. And nope it didn't work on the other side - just 1 strand came out.

Anyways.

MM and I have big plans this weekend. We're going to re-do our bedroom. My grand vision includes new bamboo flooring and a chandelier, but most likely we'll just throw up some paint and rearrange the furniture.

And put away ALL the freaking clothes and crap that's accumulated all over everything in the past 6 months! That gift basket left in the hotel for us on our wedding night? Buried somewhere underneath a bunch of crap on the walnut chest. At least that's where I saw it last. The hanging plant I took into the bathroom to water 2 weeks ago? Still in the bathroom. Yarn I bought for 10 different unfinished Christmas projects? Everywhere.

I think the thing that gets me is the night before last MM and I put the kids to bed at 8:30 and finally got them settled in by 9, and then we spent the rest of the evening fussing around in the upstairs and sunroom, doing this and that until the whole evening was shot to hell. He was researching our insulation situation in the crawlspace upstairs since we're planning to move the twins up there (not in the crawlspace, but upstairs), and I was chasing dog hair, leaves and dust around the sunroom because my Benjamin fig decided to shed half its leaves and prompted me into a cleaning fit.

Now, if MM & I had just IGNORED the need to do these things we could have spent the entire rest of the night on the couch, blissfully dozing through crap TV and gone to bed knowing we had successfully put off these banal tasks for one more day. Instead we wasted the whole night fussing around.

Luckily, we haven't managed to get the paint samples taped up in our bedroom to decide what color paint we want to put up this weekend. That task has been successfully denied. For now.

Where was I going with this? I don't remember. I've got too many things on my To Do list to think about not doing.

Holiday Wrap Up

2010-12-28T14:14:00.003-06:00

Weather: 82 & Sunny
Drinks: Vodka Juice

We made it. Through Christmas. Alive.

Actually, it wasn't that bad. The kids had a ball and ran circles around my folks' place all weekend. . . that is when they weren't in the hot tub or out in the snow. They had so much fun that they actually forgot about, or rather ignored, most of the present giving. We had to re-round them up each time it was their turn to open a gift. Good thing MM and I didn't go overboard with shopping for them this year!

Here's something we learned this year: Open adult gifts separately.

Oh I know what you're thinking, you Dirty Bird but get your mind out of the gutter already! By adult gift I mean gifts to and from each other - the grown-ups. Yeesh. Sicko.

MM and I exchanged our gifts to each other on Christmas Eve-Eve after the kids had gone to bed. And it was awesome. We got to take our time and really appreciate the thought that was put into them and then fuss with them without having 3 kids screaming in our ears to help them with somethingorotherrightnow!

Did I mention MM completely SPOILED me this year?

Being that this was our first Christmas together (it feels weird to say, we've been married 6 months and NEVER spent a Christmas together) I really didn't know what to expect. I took the moderate road on gifts for him and bought a few select items I thought he'd really enjoy. And he was very happy.

He, on the other hand, went overboard.

One thing I will say about MM first - if I drop a hint about a gift idea, I better be serious, as I will most likely get it. Bravo, my dear!

So dropping the hint of a delicious mahogany bed I've been drooling over for our cal king mattress was a splendid idea. It was waiting for me in the bedroom when I came home from work on Thursday night. Yes, I squealed and put my hands up to my face like a little girl!

And this brings me to today's pondering . . is it nesting that I'm doing right now or just trying to make our home more homey?

With the new bed comes new paint for the walls, new bedding and new window treatments. I've spent the past two days acquiring these things. And with acquiring new things for one room comes acquiring things for other rooms in the house by proxy.

MM needs to take my credit card away before I remodel the whole freaking place!

But to be fair, I've lived in the house for 5 years now and some of my decor is in need of life support. It was done on a singlemotherofthree budget. And I'm tired of it. Soooo sooooo tired of it.

The downside is everywhere I look I'm finding something I want to change. It's giving me an uneasy, twitchy feeling. But because of the pregnancy my energy levels are at an all time low, so not much gets done. To give you some perspective, there are parts of our house that look like an episode of hoarders. The island in our kitchen. The back basement. My closet - even after The Great Shoe Eradication of '10.

It feels like for every one thing I want to do there are 5 other things that need to be done before I can get started. And another part that's hurting is my folks have not been around like I'm accustomed to. My Mom is kick ass at sorting and organizing, and has for the large part kept my house in check for me prior to my getting married and knocked up. I know their time will start freeing up soon now that the addition to their house is complete, but I also don't expect them to come work every time they come see us.

So maybe we'll just call what I'm doing *updating* our living environment to reflect the changes our family has undergone this past year. What it also signifies is that I'm not operating on a singlemotherofthree budget anymore. That doesn't mean I need 1200 tc sheets, but I'm also not getting 200 tc, either.

Enough banal rambling? I think so. 2010 has been a hell of a year for me. In fact, it's been one of the best years yet. And I have a feeling there's a lot more where that came from. I'm blessed right down to my bones.

The Great Shoe Eradication of 2010

2010-12-22T15:10:00.002-06:00

Weather:
Drinks:

Apparently this time of year begs me to pay attention to all things foot related.

Last year we endured The Sock Drawer massacre of '09.

This year it was time for The Great Shoe Eradication of '10.

Since I joined my snazzy shoe club several months ago, my stash of gorgeous footwear has been steadily increasing. . . with shoes that actually fit. Let me back up.

After Angelfish was born in 08, my feet were left a full size bigger . . a whopping women's size 11. All shoes not flip flop related or large and chunky were cast to the back of the closet in hopes they would either grow with more age or my feet would eventually shrink back to their previous size 10. Well, neither of those things happened, amazingly. I know, SHOCKER.

Then, last summer I had foot surgery on my big toe, which left it puffier than normal and with a tender, tender 2.5 inch scar. OK I'll stop whining in a minute.

So, the cast away shoes didn't stand a chance, and once new, gorgeous, well fitting shoes came into the closet, I ended up with a growing pile of miserable, dusty, ill fated footwear.

And I got tired of looking at them and having them openly mock me.

So, without further ado, or promises to myself that I would take them for donation, I again brought out my tongs and leather gloves and bagged up those rotten bitches.

They now are shivering away in the trash bin in the garage, awaiting trash day and their final stop at the dump. All 15+ pairs of them.

And so came to pass The Great Shoe Eradication of 2010. Amen.

Next year . . . may be the year to tackle the underwear drawer. But we'll see.

Welcome to Connectivity

2010-12-21T15:49:00.003-06:00

Weather: 80 & Sunny
Drinks: Pina Coladas

Well, after much foot stomping and head scratching, I have finally yielded to the pressures of the modern cell phone world. After all, MM is a Senior Engineer for a major cell service provider, so it was bound to happen . . . I am now the proud owner of an Android, and hopelessly connected to everything in the palm of my hand.

I'm excited and scared. I was happy with my nearly two year old touch screen phone. I could call, take pictures, send texts and emails and that was that. It was all I needed. Until my Dad's phone broke.

Being the amazing daughter that I am, a couple years ago I got tired of their endless complaining about their cell service so I switched them over and added them on to my plan. They got spanky new phones and the villagers rejoiced.

But of course, after two years of abuse, Dad needed a new phone. And I got married to MM and it only made sense to switch over to his company. So today we made the plunge, and surprised Mom and Dad with new phones. What surprised me was their phone choice. I was thinking they'd want it to be simpler rather than more complex. But I was wrong. They picked the best smart phones on the market - like me - and now are as completely wired, too.

I have to give them a lot of credit - even I was scared of what the phone could do, but they accepted the upgrade with smiles and excitement. So we're all excited! And heads down into learning all the cool features at our fingertips.

And the villagers rejoiced!

PS - Our trip to the inlaws went off without a hitch. I made it all the way there and back without so much as a single shed tear. Thank God for DVD players in SUV's and all the yarn I care to crochet for hours on end!

If Found, Please Return to the Island

2010-12-16T16:10:00.002-06:00

Weather: 80 & clear
Drinks: Mead

Should anyone find a BlueBella on the side of the road this weekend, kindly pick her up and return her to the Island.

We're about to embark on a 10 (TEN) hour (HOUR) drive to the inlaws tonight - with all three sea creatures in car seats. And me pregnant, riding shotgun.

The goal is to drive all night and have the kids sleep through the majority of it. I, too, hope to sleep a lot.

What will probably happen, though, is the kids will talk their way waaaay into the night, and I'll have to stop to go pee in every bathroom in three states. Then I'll get horribly cranky and MM will either 'forget' me at a gas station or alongside the road somewhere when there wasn't a bathroom within 20 miles.

Wish us luck.

Pregnant, Not Dead

2010-12-11T16:14:00.003-06:00

Weather: 82 & clear

Drinks: Gin & Tonic

Admittedly, the first trimester of pregnancy has rendered my sex life a mere shadow of it's former self. Most nights I drag my comatose body off the couch and flop into bed, barely skimming my toothbrush into my mouth, or removing my sports bra.

Poor MM.

Worse yet I've been combating a case of what we now 'affectionately' call Sleep Turret's. On the verge of sleep, I startle reflex - my limbs all flailing wildly, a huge gasp of air sucked into my lungs followed by a scream or expletives.

I know - SUPER HOT. It scares the shit out of us every time it happens, though now we know there's little that can be done about it and it's harmless. It's sorta hard to follow that kind of stuff with, "Well, since we're up, you wanna?"

Yeah, no, not really.

Then, with the vast deficit of hotness, my psyche turned to my dreams - forcing me to sex it up throughout the night with a vast array of not hot, unknown, strangers, or known creeps I definitely could have done without in my dreams. BARF. And Double BARF.

So, some good girlie friends suggested I try actually having sex with my husband to quiet my dreams.

The hiatus ended like the breaking of a dam - two pent up, frenzied, addicts knocking down the walls holding the flood of passion back. Ahem.

The following day at noon I went to the bathroom and discovered I was bleeding like a stuck pig. Shocked and horrified we ended up at the OB's office, praying we weren't miscarrying our baby. The ultrasound confirmed him safe and sound behind my closed, but battered cervix. Again, utter hotness.

Then, as quickly as it began, our lusty tryst was put to a stop until our next OB visit the following week.

We went back to our regular routine of flailing, screaming, cursing pregnant zombie wife.

But, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I may be crazy un-hot, but I haven't died after all.

Several months ago I joined a foot ware club - they pick the sexy styles for me and I say which ones I want. Having larger than normal feet, the chances of finding cute foot ware locally is hit and miss, especially after having my bunion surgery (I know, trekking right back into my uber-hotness). With this service I get the sizes I need in the styles that rank at the opposite spectrum of hospital shoes.

Now then, I'm rambling. Long story short, a package arrived last night carrying my latest acquisition from the shoe people.

Thigh high, over the knee strappy black boots. I may be pregnant, but I'm not dead! We'll just use these carefully . . .and before 8 PM.

#4

2010-12-09T10:46:00.003-06:00

Weather: 80 & sunny
Drinks: Anything fruity

More thoughts on #4.

Yesterday I was riding on such a high about our fabulous ultrasound. Not only is baby spectacularly healthy and visibly perfect, he also is by all conclusions a HE.

That just kept ringing in my head - A BOY. I'm having a boy. Another beautiful boy.

And joy overflowed my heart until MM & I snuggled in to bed, and I could see his broad grin next to me even in the darkness.

This morning I awoke to the first thought of - A BOY. I'm having a boy. Another beautiful boy. And again my heart began to overflow.

So as I sat on the couch with my two daughters this morning, I hugged them extra tight, loving their pretty girly features, delicate hair and curvy little bodies. And I couldn't be upset with myself for finding so much excitement about carrying a boy - I have my girls - my sweet, sweet, strong, amazing girls. I have no empty spot to fill - they are all I could ever want and more than I ever imagined.

A boy. I already have the most loving, kind and boys boy of all boys. Sea Monkey makes me hurt I love him so much. His smile lights his whole face and the way he always sneaks into bed with me in the middle of the night, his now lanky body conforming effortlessly to mine, takes my breath away. It's not that he isn't enough, it's that I somehow imagined another one.

It seems now our picture is complete. Girl, boy, girl, boy.

My new son. Thank you for waiting for us. To get our lives straight. To finally come together. To open the door for you. And to you for coming through it.

It is true the heart grows with each new child, expanding immediately and permanently to hold every bit of love a child deserves. Yesterday sent shock waves through my heart and tested every iota of that new space, and found it filled up completely.

Oh my son, I love you so already.

Drumroll Please!

2010-12-08T13:55:00.001-06:00

Weather: 80 & beautiful
Drinks: Pina Coladas

It just doesn’t get much better than this. Even the perfect movies with the perfect happy ending don’t go this well.

Do I exaggerate? Not really. Am I riding on a most delicious post OB appointment high?
Absolutely.

We had our 12 week NT scan today to evaluate our risk for Downs Syndrome, Trisomy 13 & 18 and a few other nasty things baby could have. To say I was a bit nervous about the scan as I’ve officially rolled over the “Advanced Maternal Age” hill and am considered an Old Mama, and therefore at greater risk, was an understatement. Luckily our measurement was 1.29 mm and well below the 3+mm danger zone. We follow up with blood work results in a week and that should hopefully put all those dangers to bed.

And, while the tech said it was too early to officially tell the gender of the baby, we got a very clear view that was unmistakable, and the tech agreed to my declaration of – I see boy parts! Both MM and I started crying.

Although I love my girls dearly, I was really hoping to have another boy this time. It just seemed right to even out the gender numbers in our house, and I get the chance to reuse all my adorable boy stuff packed away from Sea Monkey. I really couldn’t be happier right now!

BOYBOYBOYBOYBOYBOYBOY!!!!!!!

BOY!

Dog Whisperer

2010-12-06T10:56:00.002-06:00

Weather: 82 & Sunny

Drinks: Rum

Sometimes with all the hubub of having 3 kids with a 4th on the way I forget about the fur children in our midst.

MM takes primary responsibility for them and I mostly ignore them these days. Perhaps that is why after the kiddlets are tucked snug in their beds and we let our fur babies out from the sunroom to roam, 3 of the 4 dogs prefer to snuggle their Dad. Husky, Chocolate Lab, Yellow Lab.

And I am blissfully alone on the loveseat, though the Sheltie mix is eyeing the spot at my feet suspiciously.

Growing Up Fast

2010-11-29T13:29:00.003-06:00

Weather: 79 & Sunny
Drinks: Peppermint Schnapps Hot Chocolate

Despite my pleas to stay little forever, the twins are growing up at mach speed. They're thrashing through their 3rd year on this planet like they're in the jump seat with Lightening McQueen.

Yesterday was 'scour the living hell out of our disgusting house' day and as the twins watched me battle dust buffalo (we don't have cute little bunnies, we have mean, ugly, nasty buffalo), Sea Monkey suggested he and his sister wash the back sliding door because "it's all muddy so we can't see out from all the dirty dog paws", I quote. He not only read my mind, he blew me away. He's three and a half, and to me that was a pretty complex conclusion he drew from what he was watching me do that day.

And Starfish - my cuddle bug. Where she used to be the moody one, she's figured out getting what she wants requires a much more gentle touch. All she has to do is get me alone, and where I would normally say 'no' (like can I jump on the bed?) if she sneaks into my room when I'm getting ready in the morning and asks me very politely, I'll let her jump on the bed while I get dressed. She's figuring out the complexities of relationships and social order in a way that makes my head spin. She's also becoming wonderfully more affectionate as we're figuring each other out as people, and we love to smother each other with kisses to celebrate.

And now they wrestle - Sea Monkey and Starfish, all over, all the time. Wrestle, wrestle, wrestle. Mostly Starfish is on top these days, but those days are numbered. Sea Monkey has feet on him that if he ever grows into them he'll tower over all of us. Enjoy it now, Starfish.

My twins. I'm so glad you came to me as a pair, and have each other. You are intertwined in a way which I can only marvel to see unfold, and in a way only you truly understand. You are a most precious gift, a marriage of two beautiful souls and if it is possible to love you each more because you're twins, then I do.

Remiss

2010-11-23T15:54:00.002-06:00

Weather: 80 & sunny
Drinks: mochas

Alright, I've been remiss in posting lately. I'm sorry.

It feels like I've got all these jumbled up thoughts to write down but I can't tease any of them out to form a coherent thought that's actually worth reading. And I'm bitchy most of the time now so who likes complaining?

Bottom line, I'm pregnant. For the 3rd time. With my 4th child. What's new? Oh, here's a thought - I'm pregnant AND married at the same time, for the first time, with someone who actually WANTS to have a baby with me! I guess that's noteworthy. And strange.

The truth is, I am finding out more every day what a wonderful husband I have. And while this is OUR first baby, its not our first baby. I get to see MM's fathering skillz already in action. We get the glory of being newlyweds having their first adventure in pregnancy together, with a lot less surprises. I know pregnancy, intimately. I know babies, intimately. MM & I know each other as parents now, intimately. It's a paradox of new and familiar so entwined it actually makes some sense.

So what are we bitching about these days?

Puking.

And I'm pissed. I have not thrown up yet with this pregnancy, just dealt with nausea and food aversions since about week 6 . . .until yesterday. I had not had any nausea all weekend and was feeling my energy levels pick up a bit, so was thinking maybe we were reaching the end of the morning sickness road, but NO. After a lovely lunch of grilled shrimp over salad with salsa and a few chips with a great girlfriend of mine, chatting away and feeling wonderful . . . I got back to work. No sooner than I had sat down than I was booking it double time to the bathroom. Thankfully no one was in there while I cashed in my entire stomach contents. It. Was. Horrible.

And. I. Was. Furious.

I was seriously mad the whole rest of the day. And I pouted like a 2 year old until I fell asleep on the couch at 7 PM like a rock star.

Fuck. I'm too old for this.

Island Law Changes Now In Effect

2010-11-09T15:43:00.002-06:00

Weather: 83
Drinks: Open Bar

Posted Legal Notice:

Making a pass at or propositioning BlueBella no longer constitutes a Capital Crime with a maximum penalty of loss of limb, it has been downgraded to a Simple Misdemeanor carrying the maximum penalty of sleeping on the couch.

*****
That said, MM is glad to *almost* have his wife back. Ahem.

How 2 Equals 3

2010-11-08T14:58:00.003-06:00

Weather: 80 & sunny
Drinks: Pina Coladas

If you're me, and you're awesome (hey you're me, so of course you're awesome), a pesky little thing like a walk to the park can cause disproportionate repercussions. Lemme 'splain.

Yesterday was a BEAUTIFUL fall day on the island, the birds were chirping, the squirrels were scurrying about collecting nuts for the upcoming winter, and our pack of kiddlets was restless. So, MM and I packed up some drinks and snacks and wheeled the triple wide jogger out of the garage with the gang in tow. Our objective: the park in the Greenbelt about a mile from our house.

Again it was a gorgeous day, yadda yadda, we had fun, blah blah, came home, ate the most delicious lunch of grilled hotdogs, baked beans and blue cheese salad wedges - yum. Put kids down for nap.

I managed to fuss away the entirety of nap time watching a movie and the second I start to drift off to sleep the twins get up from nap. Commence me sleeping the next three hours - on the couch - snoring like a madwoman, while the 3 kids play around me and MM wrangles them.

Yep, two miles for the old preggo bod is just too much . . .2 miles equals 3 hours of recoup sleep - yeesh! I'm old.

Also we had our first DA today at the OB- we got to see the little one wiggling around on the ultrasound and hear the heart beating. There is only 1 baby (I think MM was a little disappointed we're not having twins again) measuring right on target for 8w 3d, just as we calculated. Seeing the baby on the screen put the element of reality into the fact we're carrying a child and will be having a BABY. All these past few weeks as the MS symptoms have been kicking my butt I keep thinking in the back of my head I'm just mistaken somehow - faking being pregnant despite the oodles of symptoms and positive HPT's.

Well, there's no uncertainty now- there's a real, live baby in there and we have the pics to prove it! I'll post an US pic as soon as MM sends me one - I couldn't pry the prints out of his hands when he dropped me back off at work. I think he's a tad bit excited:)

And geez . . .#4 . . . you are here, just as I imagined, and I love every little bit about you. I especially love that you're Daddy loves you just as much as I do, and I love him so much, too. What a different world it might have been had your sisters and brother come into this world under the same circumstances. Nonetheless, we're all together now, our big, happy family, and I couldn't be more grateful.

Eating Till It Hurts

2010-11-04T14:02:00.003-05:00

Weather: 82 & sunny
Drinks: Sunset Spritzers

In our 8th week the little guppy has granted me the ability to eat myself sick. I'm queasy, but starving most of the time, so eat way beyond the point where I'm 'full' and then feel horrible for the next couple of hours. Awesome, I know.

Monday is our first doctor's appointment so my DYING to see the ultrasound and know baby is growing like it should in there. Especially with the way it's been making me eat.

Bitchiness: Symptom or Disease?

2010-11-01T14:34:00.002-05:00

Weather: 78 & Calm
Drinks: Bloody Mary's

This weekend was a fairly joyful one.

MM & I pruned the ever loving shit out of the bushes strangling the East side of our house. The twins patiently played in the fallen branches and Angelfish napped peacefully in her bed as we worked.

But about two hours into the project I hit the wall - I. WAS. DONE. Actually it was my body that was done, but who cares. I needed a nap. STAT. And hence erupted my inner bitch that gets all short and snippy - her rueful tone oozing distaste.

Or at bedtime - MM and I can lay with the twins for half an hour, soothing them until we almost fall asleep, but no matter what, as I'm saying my final "I love you, goodnight" and the door comes within an inch of it's frame comes the inevitable, "Mommy?" to which it if isn't answered grand crying will ensue, heightening in it's depth of woe and peak of volume until finally, I give in and step back inside the door with a clipped, "WHAT?!"

So is it me - a loathe some creature doomed to be riddled with bitchiness? Or is it just a passing phase punctuated by pregnancy, small children and not enough sleep?

I don't think I want the answer to those questions. Perhaps just a year long nap would do instead. And about 100 Starburst candies, too.

Hindsight

2010-10-27T12:01:00.003-05:00

Weather: 80 & overcast
Drinks: Margs - every flavor

In a perfect world I'd take my 35 year old pregnant body and trade it in for my 25 year old version with the hopes pregnancy wouldn't suck quite so much right now. I'm old methinks, too old to be doing this to myself anymore.

And why, oh why didn't I think of this prior to conception? Because that dirty Mother Nature bitch tricked me into forgetting all the horrible parts of pregnancy and childbirth and made me want to have more kids!

Oh yeah, morning sickness wasn't that bad before. . . yeah right! So what if I don't actually throw up? I might feel better if I did. Instead I have to get three options for lunch with the hopes that by the time I actually get around to feeling like eating one of the options will actually sound like it should be put into my mouth and consumed.

And the aches. My whole body aches with stretches and relaxation of muscles and ligaments. I even have developed restless leg syndrome which makes it hard to sleep at night. Which is a perfect compliment to the

EXHAUSTION. I'm too tired to even bitch about that part.

Bottom line - I'm ecstatic about bringing another life into this world with my amazing hubby . . . but my excitement about being pregnant is just about nill right about now. In fact it's right down there with my sex drive. . .

All the fun parts of life are on hold right now - drinking, sex, eating - my top three favorite staples of every day . . .ugh. Look me up in about 8 months . . .I might be some fun then.

SAWFEST 2010

2010-10-25T11:04:00.002-05:00

Weather: 79 & rising
Drinks: Pina Coladas

Saturday night a group of my girlfriends gathered together in a basement theater to watch all 6 SAW movies. It. Was. Awesome. I only gagged once . . . during the pig scene in 3. But seriously, it has been haunting me since.

Prior to SAWFEST, I had had little queasiness from the pregnancy, but the following night it hit me like a ton of bricks. And guess what image popped up in my head last night while ordering BBQ from the place across the street from the house? The pig scene. So I ordered beef for my salad and managed to take it home, pick at it a little bit, and then go back to the bedroom to hide under the covers until the threat of vomit was over.

Funny, when trying to get pregnant the MS thoughts really don't ring too much of a bell. But boy, they're hard to forget when you're in the throes of them! I was almost thinking I was feeling *too* good this time around, so much so I took another PG test last week just to confirm, but today, I'm all in - pregnant up to my eyeballs.

And that means no more SAW movies for me. At least for quite a while!

Happy Birthday Starfish

2010-10-20T15:22:00.003-05:00

Weather: 80 & Sunny
Drinks: Open Bar

Happy Birthday you big girl, you.

Almost overnight you have gone from a sweet, agreeable baby to a full blown two year old with attitude. You're independent, know what you want, and are not easily dissuaded once you've chosen your path.

You love your binkie and your yellow blanket as much as anything. In fact, when I picture you in my head, you're standing in front of the TV with your binkie in your mouth and your blanket wrapped around your shoulders like a little old lady. You take those things EVERYWHERE.

You love books and anything you can use to draw - crayons, markers, sidewalk chalk . . . the inside and outside of our house bares your marks just about everywhere. You're an artist at heart and would rather clutch a hoard of chalk against your chest than ride your trike.

You sleep like an angel. I have never known a child to sleep like you (but perhaps Grandma would hint at your Mama!) and while it seemed like an eternity from your birth until you stopped taking a bottle in the night, I cherished those bottles and that sweet little moment we shared before you snuggled back in bed for the night. I loved giving you bottles and held on to that longer than I probably should have, but you loved them too, so we prolonged that phase as long as possible. Now I can't remember the last time I gave you a bottle and it makes me sad. But you sleep soundly through the night and sometimes sleep in longer than we think you should. You're snug in your crib, with your blanket and binkie, and who are we to argue if you're happily resting?

You're stretching out from your round baby features and slimming into the fast running girl who doesn't like to put clothes on. Your chunky creased thighs are getting longer and sleeker, but you still have enough baby fat to be squishy delicious.

I have always LOVED the smell of your cheeks. When you were tiny it was the most delectable scent on earth to me. Now it's more refined (and often smells of peanut butter) but I still kiss on your cheeks as much as possible to eat up those lovely sniffs of you.

Your laughter is a sound that hits me at my core. I had the thought one day as we were playing upside down and you were peeling out giggles that were I ever at death's door, blinded and too weak to go on, the sound of your laughter would be the only thing that could instantly bring me back to life. Morbid I know, but it affects me in just that deep of a way.

You talk like the master of 1000 languages, mixing them all together in your own purposeful way, and throwing in a word or two of English once in awhile to keep us guessing. You make a leedleleedleleedle sound with the back of your tongue that means something very certain to you, and you've used it for a very long time, and while mystifying, it is also so adorable.

Finally, you wrestle Mommi every time you catch me laying on the floor. You use me as your chair, landing pad, balance beam, dive bomb mat and jungle gym. You don't like to be cuddled very often, but this physical activity together is so very fun for both of us.

My sweet baby. You have done more for me in your short time on this planet that I managed to learn in 10 years before that. You appeared out of nowhere, at the drop of a hat, and have given me the opportunity to try again, and get it right. You are an amazing light in my life, and I know Daddy feels the same way two. But we started out on our own together, with Sea Monkey and Starfish riding co-pilot, and made our way with a bond I didn't really know existed.

I love you so much, Angelfish, and can't tell you how thankful I am you let me be your Mom.

Oh yeah, and one more thing . . .

2010-10-19T11:25:00.002-05:00

Weather: 80 & sunny
Drinks: Shots

I'm PREGNANT!!!!!!!

Eeeeep! I can't help but spill the beans after MM & I told our folks together this weekend. Commence peeling everyone off the ceiling!

We're due middle of June next summer so are still very early @ 5 weeks 3 days, but I can't help but tell everyone . . . but my boss. Work will have to wait until after our first OB appt on Nov 8 and confirmation everything is A-OK. . . and we have a head count.

MM & MIL are hoping for twins again . . . but me, well, I could go either way with a cap of 2 baking at once. Anyone caught teasing me about triplets will be sat on and beaten. Unless it's the ultrasound tech, whom will be strangled with the dildocam cord.

So welcome to pregnancy island once again. #4 is in the house.

It's MY Birthday!

2010-10-18T15:09:00.002-05:00

Weather: 82 & sunny
Drinks: Open Bar - the boys are fixing up anything you want!

Today I celebrate another trip around the sun - my 35th to be exact.

If someone had told me earlier in my life that at the age of 35 I would have exactly the life I had always dreamed of, I would have thought it an eternity away, but found hope in knowing that it would actually happen someday, too.

But I probably wouldn't have believed it, either. My life has always seemed a sort of compromise, giving one thing the boot so I could have another, but never really getting everything I wanted all at the same time.

But dare I say it, now, at 35, I have finally arrived.

I am blessed beyond measure. I am healthy and whole. My children are bright and loving and growing like weeds. My husband is warm, stable and kind, faithful and sexy. My parents are loving and generous, and healthy. My sister and her family are thriving. My inlaws already feel like close family. My friends are a constant source of happiness and joy. Our dogs are happy and healthy. My house is a home that feels like the best place on earth - even when its dusty. My job is steady and fairly low stress. We have everything we need and most of what we want, too.

No, it really doesn't get any better than this.

Hey You!

2010-10-12T16:18:00.002-05:00

Weather: 80 & sunny
Drinks: Mojitos

I'm turning 2!

In a handful of days my Missy Angelfish will turn 2. We had her pics taken yesterday and this is one of my favorites. It sums up what a light she is.

In meandering through my posts back when I found out I was pregnant with her (March 08) I ran a gamut of emotions. It was not a very good time for me, but the best of times, too. I became unexpectedly pregnant, on my twins' first birthday of all days. To say the least it was a distressing blessing.

Since her arrival in my life back in March of 08 and then her complicated birth in October 08 she has been nothing but a delight to me - a true angel on earth. She came to me at a time when I thought there was nothing more I could handle - a single Mother of twins, expecting another. Yet she solidified in me a strength I didn't know I had, an ability for my heart to instantly grow that much bigger, and I have treasured every moment with her since.

My dear Angelfish I'll post more on your birthday, but for today just wanted to share your gorgeous smile with my friends. I love you.

Happy Friday

2010-10-08T13:45:00.004-05:00

Weather: 79 & Sunny

Drinks: Appletini's

Whew - we made it though another week. Tomorrow I get to stand up in a wedding for a wonderful girlfriend of mine. Our dresses are beautiful, and custom made, so of course will be gorgeous. They're a burnt orange dupioni silk . . . luscious.

Also for the wedding my girlfriend entrusted me with her deceased Mother's wedding dress to make into a ring bearer pillow and christening gown. Here's the pillow, sorry the lighting is bad.

The beading follows a similar style to the front of the dress and this piece was taken from the bottom of the front of the dress, so I replicated the beading to fancy it up a bit. The ruffled edge comes from the bottom of the gown and I should have plenty to use for the christening gown, too. The back of the pillow used some lace from the back of the gown and the only thing not original to the dress is the ribbon/bow. The bride wanted a loop put on the pillow so the ribbons could be interchanged with specific colors as the pillow passes from wedding to wedding in the family. I couldn't find the beautiful orange or an appropriate gray ribbon, so just used cream.

I'm very happy with the result and hope the bride is as well. I'm giving it to her tonight at the rehearsal. Next - the christening gown. There's a lot less room for error on this one since I've already used up what I considered 'spare' material on the dress, and the pattern of the top half of the gown is much more elaborate. I'll definitely be making a mock-up baby gown before I do any more cutting on the dress.

I tell you what was most hard about the whole thing - the emotions I had when thinking about cutting into this 40 year old dress. My girlfriend does not have her Mom in her everyday life anymore and it's her possessions that remain, and cutting into one of the most important garments in a woman's life is a bit daunting. But my girlfriend's words of encouragement, as she was handing over the dress, were, "There's only two people in this world I trust to do this for me - one is the gal who's creating all 9 bridesmaids dresses and flower girl dresses, and the other is you."

Whoa. And I'm HONORED. And relieved it turned out so pretty!

So what are you doing this weekend? Anything fun?

Moment Of Snark, And Then About My Bra

2010-10-06T16:07:00.003-05:00

Weather: 81
Drinks: Champagne

SNARK
Yes, I'm smiling at you as I walk by because of your hair dye job. No, not an envious smile, nor a mean one, but as pleasant a smile as I can manage because I think your beautician forgot your bangs. And the back of your head. Perhaps as she was painting down the sides of your hair with burgundy she was so stricken by the beauty of your silver foxy forehead fluff that she just couldn't bring herself to taint them. And then she forgot the back part, too. Yep, she managed to make you look like you got a glass of red wine dumped on top of your head as you work the checkout line at Target.

Moving on.

Last night I FINALLY got my Bras for the Cause bra DONE. Thank God that project is over. I did WAAAAY too much self reflection during that little exercise and my brain needs a breather. Don't worry, I will post pictures, but they're on MM's fancy schmancy camera I have no idea how it works, so whenever he gets around to downloading them on my computer I'll get some put up.

The artist's reception is on the 21st and I'm dying to see all of the bra creations there. Sounds like there's over 80 of them turned in. I'm hoping my bra brings in at least a few bucks and made my neighbor know just how much I appreciate her, but next year I'll just be giving a donation. Maybe. Or else I just won't try so hard to infuse my creation with so many of my own feelings.

Next - we make a ring bearer pillow for a wedding I'm in this weekend. Sounds easy, but it's going to be made out of the Brides' deceased Mom's wedding dress. Again, the feelings are creeping in and I'm struggling to bring myself around to working on the project. I just can't imagine facing life without my Mom, let alone my wedding, but tonight is the night and the pillow will be made! I'm also making a christening gown with the dress so I have to be careful how I cut and work.

After that, I only have 2 more projects on the docket to complete before year's end - one is due Oct 20. I have NO idea how that will go down, but I'll give it a shot. It's a heavy hitter - for the Preeclampsia Foundation's Annual Gala - and I want to make it as special as I feel about cause as it is the disease of which I am a two time survivor.

What causes are you in to? How do you go about showing your support?

Competition - One I'm NOT In

2010-10-05T15:46:00.004-05:00

Weather: 88 & HOT
Drinks: Chiladas - Spicy!

Competition is part of life. Were our ancestors not as resourceful, hearty and motivated - we, as individuals, wouldn't be here today. In fact, had not that one fast, determined and powerful little sperm beat out a couple million other sperm back in the day, each and every one of us would be half different, genetically. We are the sperm that beat out all the millions of others and got to Mom's egg - we WON.

So, to say the least, each of us, as we come in to this world, come in to it a winner. (As gross as it sounds, when I'm having a really bad day I sometimes reflect on this 'winning sperm' fact. At least I won once, right??)

That said, the competition doesn't stop there. My two prize winning eggs and their winning swimming sperm - I now call them three and a half year old twins Starfish and Sea Monkey - have their own constant competitions, every single day. It's about everything from getting dressed in the morning, to putting on their jammies at night. I don't know how many times I hear 'I beat you!' screamed between the two of them during the course of a day. And it's just further evidence I come from a very competitive family.

But the competition that has always bothered me is the kind of competition where there is no winner.

I watched my Mother and her Sisters (she has 4 of them) fight constantly. Someone was ALWAYS attempting to out do the other 4 in some way shape or form, which usually boiled down to losing weight. My Mom and her sisters have always fought the battle of the bulge and they would take turns getting fat and then secretly getting skinny so they could surprise each other at get togethers with their fabulous new 'skinny' body. Of course, the skinny one was usually the fat one at the next gathering, so no achievement was really ever made.

Its horrible. And I grew up with that mentality, too - firstly that being 'skinny' is the only way to be truly happy, and having others envy you because they are fat is the cherry on top of your victory.

Sick, I know. And it has gone on for their entire adult lifetimes - 40 - 50 some years.

I've had time in my life to really try to find my own version of happiness, and that is the only thing, I think, that has kept me from blowing up like a balloon after my metabolism crashed out at 23. I love food. I love to eat.

So I learned to listen to my body, and ignore the voices in my head which equated a fat free form with personal achievement and happiness. And you know what? It works.

But I see the ugly cycle persist around me. I even got a slice of it this weekend because of speaking up about my new adventure in eating cave woman style . . . but I won't digress. Nothing would make me happier than to just shout about it a bit, but that won't accomplish anything. Instead, apparently, I'm supposed to keep it a secret and then just surprise everyone with my fabulous new body at Christmas! haah. And I said I wasn't going to digress. But here's a secret - I probably won't look that different at Christmas . . . because I don't want to be skinny, I wasn't really too fat anyways, I want to be healthy, and those are two very different things for my body!

And I'm not competing! This isn't a contest - it's my health, and my life, and if you think I'm doing this because of anything other than that then you're sorely mistaken. I'm not going to repeat the cycle and expose my children to the same thing I was exposed to as a child, nor live out the self deprecating nightmare that plagued my teens and early twenties. All that did was hurt me and warp my sense of self worth.

I've moved on. And proof of that is in my excitement at a doctor's visit yesterday where my blood pressure measured 100/70! That is the lowest it has been I think EVER.

So there. Now I don't have to go home and repeat this to my loving hubby. He's already heard it once on the car ride home on Sunday and again yesterday. Besides, I have my "Bras for the Cause" bra to finish up tonight, albeit 4 days after the deadline. Thank God my neighbor is the donation chair and gave me an extension after one of the damn dogs ate half of my freshly glittered feathers last week. Don't worry, I'll post pics. Promise. But not of me wearing it - cuz it's not that kind of bra!

Mandatory Purchase

2010-10-04T13:03:00.006-05:00

Weather: 80 & Sunny
Drinks: Red Wine

While perusing a weekly club email coupon book, I found this. Need I say more?

I'll let you know how it tastes.

Getting Paid

2010-09-30T11:08:00.005-05:00

Weather: 80 & serene
Drinks: Water, and Diet Coke

At the beginning of the month I switched jobs. It was sort of like getting traded in professional sports . . . I'm still doing the exact same thing, with the exact same people, just in a different building and for a different company. It's been overall a great change, but one minor inconvenience was not getting paid for a month as the pay cycles between the companies synched up.

And today I FINALLY got paid!!!!

I know this really isn't THAT big of a deal, after all, I've been getting paid to work professionally for 13 years now, but as a former single Mom of 3 little people, every single paycheck became a precious tie to life as we knew it.

Every two weeks I felt the ease after all the stretching I had done to get us by in the mean time between paychecks - pay the mortgage, pay the nanny, buy food and diapers . . . you know the drill. But another avenue that stretched me even more was after taking care of all the basics the kids and I needed for shelter and sustenance, there was very little, if any, left for me - to spend on anything that made me feel like an actual working woman.

I know it sounds vein and selfish, but there was that little part of me that wished just for once I could go blow my entire paycheck on clothes or expensive wine, dinners out and fabulous home decor. But instead I shopped at WalMart and KMart and Sam's Club, sporting store brand apparel, and ate out off the dollar menu or stayed home in the evenings with the kids.

Bringing a second income into the household, though, has changed many things. I'm still host to the frugal miser who watched every penny, but now when I do decide to splurge on something for myself I can actually do it, and do it without (too much) guilt.

MM has carried us through this month long paycheck hiatus without even blinking. He even added us to his health insurance since his is better than mine at the new gig. This means I essentially got a raise (at least in my own mind, since I'm no longer forking out a bunch of cash every check for health care premiums) but we're not going to alert MM to that detail just yet. I have Christmas presents to procure, after all, and need to build a stash!

So after this mini windfall, I'm going to go get my hair cut, go tan, and tomorrow night get permanent makeup on my eyes. Had I not just had foot surgery I'd be in a pedicure chair right about now, too.

Yes, they're all vein and selfish things to do, but taking care of myself is a pleasure I'm proud to indulge from time to time. Speaking of taking care of myself - my Paleolithic eating has already sprung me huge rewards - I've lost 6 lbs already this week! And I've been eating like a prehistoric pig, too. I'm still getting my mind wrapped around the whole situation and my body is doing a great deal of adjusting to all the nutrients its actually receiving, but at least it's moving in the right direction towards better health and happiness.

I've come to a conclusion this week, which has been hard won in my life: Making the decision to change your eating and exercise habits cannot come from a place of self deprecation, it must some from a place of self love.

If you hate yourself for being overweight or indulging in habits that are bad for your health then your change cannot be permanent - at the first slip up you can be so hateful of yourself you just give up and quit. But if you choose to take care of yourself and make changes because you care about yourself and it is good for you, then you are more likely to succeed because you're willing to admit your faults, forgive yourself and move on, making better choices the next time because you are moving to a more positive place and it feels good to get there.

And for that, I forgive myself for my Diet Coke addiction and love of popcorn. I'm choosing moderation of those two items instead of going cold turkey. Besides, I'm eating enough cold turkey to make up for it!

Is It Weird to Buy Feathers Over Lunch???

2010-09-29T15:01:00.005-05:00

Weather: 83 & breezy
Drinks: Water, and a little Diet Coke

If you're me, no, it's not weird.

And if you're still me, you buy some glitter spray to go on the feathers, too.

Commence making angel wings to fly me off into the sunset. Ok not really. But I am making wings with the feathers, they're just for a bra, not me.

Have I finally lost it?

Never mind, that's debatable. But October is Breast Cancer Awareness month and I'm celebrating one of my favorite stories that I know how to tell. Here goes.

Nearly 4 years ago I was pregnant with Starfish and Sea Monkey. Sperm Donor had made his unsavory slither from our lives, leaving me with a large house with a very large driveway, walkway and sidewalks. I am owner to a considerable amount of concrete, let's just say.

Of course a snowstorm was coming, and I had to be able to make it to work the next day. Guess what? Women pregnant, especially with twins, aren't supposed to shovel anything.

My father, knowing my circumstances, called from their house 35 miles away and not only told me he wouldn't be able to scoop me out, but that under no circumstance was I to try shoveling it myself. I was still planning to do it, but he made me PROMISE NOT TO. I thought about the neighbors next door that were friendly but that I barely knew since I'd only lived there a couple of months, and wondered aloud if I should call and ask about their snow blower and if they could help me. Dad made me PROMISE to call them and ask.

So I sat there that dark cold night, miserable, pregnant and alone, until I finally worked up the courage to ask for help. Not only was it horrible to ask someone I'd only known for a couple of months for help because my asshole dirt bag of a baby daddy abandoned me with his unborn twin babies, my neighbor informed me his wife was undergoing chemo for breast cancer at the time.

I had been so self absorbed in my own tragedy of a life I hadn't paid attention to what was going on in the lives of the people next door. Luckily, the neighbor agreed to bring over his snow blower and blow out my drive in the morning when he did his own. Relieved and thankful, I still thought about the stresses in my life and how they paled in comparison to being treated for cancer. Little did I know that same woman would play a huge role in saving my life only a few weeks later, but that is another snowstorm story all together.

So, early the next morning I awoke to the remnants of a blizzard of white and the sound of the snow blower churning it's way back and forth on my driveway. But there was another sound, too. The sound of a shovel against concrete, scraping rhythmically near my front door.

I swung open the door to find my neighbor lady, wound tightly in a snowsuit up to her ears and a snow hat down to her neck, scooping my steps. My shock was palpable, and as she smiled and pulled off her hat to reveal her bald scalp my stomach dropped to the floor.

How on earth are you supposed to feel when you've got a chemo patient shoveling your snow???

To be honest I felt like a complete LOSER and ASSHOLE. What had I become? And who really was this woman, so determined for normalcy, on my doorstep?

She turned out to be a beacon of hope for me, a queue that life, no matter how fucked up it becomes, is rooted in the attitude you take about it. Her body was sicker that it had ever been, but her mind and spirit demanded more.

From that I learned to demand more of myself, too, as my body became sicker and the babies inside me grew. That too is a story for another time.

But that is my favorite story I know how to tell: how my chemo patient neighbor scooped my sidewalk when I was 6 months pregnant with twins.

So, when she asked me last month to make a 'Bras for the Cause" bra to celebrate her continuing support of breast cancer research fund raising, I couldn't say no. And my theme is a Snow Angel, in her honor, for everything she did for me and taught me that day.

And that is why buying feathers and glitter over lunch really isn't that weird.

Cave Woman

2010-09-28T09:55:00.004-05:00

Weather: 82 & Sunny
Drinks: Good Old Water

This girl has gotten fat. Fat and (un)happy.

Too much beer, too much laying around (granted the past couple of months have been broken foot related) and just too much food.

But I'm happy . . . .and possibly covering up some stress this summer.

I got married. That was a BIG deal. Hubby and I have known each other for years, but we didn't really KNOW each other. We never lived together, just dated, and it was a quick dating at that.

So everything we loved about each other (and could have done without) was squished lock stock and barrel into marriage quite quickly. Don't get me wrong, given the chance I would do it all over again exactly the same way. But my point is there was a comfort level with each other we just hadn't reached yet prior to our I do's.

So as things have settled in on the home front I've been self medicating - and it's been wonderful. We picked up the new beer brewing hobby, which is fantastic, and something I plan to continue. I also got my bothersome foot fixed. Tomorrow marks week 6 post surgery so I can begin to live my life again.

I'm used to being active, but this summer really put the breaks on my 'normal' routine.

Good news is MM & I are in a fabulous place together and I really feel like we've reached that 'sweet spot' both with each other and with the kids. He's embraced fatherhood like he was there from the beginning and I no longer feel guilty when he takes part in the nitty gritty bits of parenthood. In all the things I was used to doing myself I now have an equal partner.

Last night we were in the twins' room for bed, each of us taking a turn laying in bed with Starfish and Sea Monkey, and as I'm snuggling Starfish I hear Sea Monkey & MM in the other bed talking:

"You're Daddy."

"Yes."

"You're also MM."

"Yes. And you're Sea Monkey."

"Yes."

"So just like I'm MM, I'm also your Daddy. And just like you're Sea Monkey you're also my Son."

My heart melted. I never thought I'd hear those words spoken to my children. To hear MM say 'you're my son' - ahhh I'm gonna cry.

So, long story short, I'm ready to get healthy again. I'm very hopeful we'll get pregnant this month and getting my act together is a great way to start a new life. Plus, I think MM & I are finally, really ready, so I'm hopeful it will happen.

That brings me to our Title - Cave Woman. I'm trying to eat the paleolithic way - meat, fruit, nuts and veggies - whatever was available to primal humans. Unfortunately they didn't have diet coke, beer, nor pizza, so it required a trip to the grocery store for some 'real' food. I do have a bit of a caffeine headache, which I'm sure will get much worse before it gets better - maybe in a couple of days. My times of sucking on a 52 oz concoction of delicious diet pop are diminished and replaced with good old water.

At least this is the way I'm feeling at this point - I'm ready. I'm not going to punish myself or quit if I don't stick exactly to the diet, in fact in some of the reading I have done it is suggested to slowly introduce your body to the plan, like one meal per day until you've reached all the meals in a day. So, for starters I'm going to eat what sounds good but always give myself the paleolithic items as options first. If none of them seem satisfactory then I'll consider something else.

This morning for breakfast I had boiled eggs, strawberries and an apple. That is a far cry from the McDonalds value meal breakfast or gas station taquito & giant pop at 8 AM. Yesterday I feasted on greens, meat and fruit for lunch. It was delicious. And today I will do the same.

We shall see. I'm excited, though, as starting something new always brings the adventure of the unknown. And my health should benefit, too.

Are there any new things you're trying this fall?

Hobbling Along

2010-09-24T14:58:00.002-05:00

Weather:70 & sunny
Drinks: Homebrew

I have a box of Cinnabons on my desk. They're staring at me and whispering. Not in the "OMG can you believe she wore that today???" kind of way but more in the "If you don't eat us right now we're going to jump down your throat anyway!!!" way. They're more yelling than whispering, really.

Don't worry - I'll silence them soon.

In other news my broken foot continues to heal, despite a set back this past weekend. It started to ooze. Not puss, but ooze nonetheless. Thanks to the makers of Keflex for de-oozing my poor incision site. I thought I was doing so great at healing and caring for it, and following (most) ALL of the rules, but NOOOOOO. This dirty girl got an infection. Figuring that out on Sunday night made me pout and feel disgusting for the next few days. Good news is my x-ray today showed the bones healing well and I get to try wearing shoes next week. And the following week I got back for a shot of steroids - good times.

This weekend is the bachelorette party for one of my great friends who's wedding I'm in next month. Should be a kick ass time. I'm in desperate need of a night out with the girls. And my folks are taking all 3 kids for the night - WOOTWOOT! Guess who's sleeping in???

Alright - they're starting up the bonfire on the beach - we better head down. Cheers!

Heavy Lifting

2010-09-17T16:13:00.002-05:00

Weather: 80 & sunny
Drinks: Open Bar

Do you ever turn up the volume of the car radio to an unlistenable level just to drown out the thoughts in your head - so you can get a moment of mental peace? I did that yesterday on my lunch break.

I’ve been a little remiss about posting and rather just let the thoughts circle through my head because some of them have been too hard to type. Apparently they need to be exorcized and give my eardrums a break.
Here’s a few scrambled thoughts so please excuse the formatting, grammar and lack thereof.

For months now Hallie at WWOW has been mourning the loss of her son. I simply can’t get this off my mind. I think about her and her family every single day and ache for her. As fabric arrives to me each day from her friends for our comfort quilt I’m confronted with feelings of thankfulness & joy for their kindness, but also intense sorrow for why we’re doing this in the first place. I just hope it helps Hallie in some small way.

A couple weeks ago a childhood neighbor of mine lost their 27 week old unborn baby unexpectedly from preeclampsia. This hits me especially at home because all 3 of my kids and I are survivors of this disease and the twins and I, also, of eclampsia. Further, MM and I have been trying to have a baby since we got married, and knowing the risks it poses to us health wise, I’m feeling both fortunate and unfortunate we have not been successful in getting pregnant, yet. And while I’m bewildered why we’re not already pregnant I just have to trust it is for a reason. That doesn’t change the fact every BFN hurts, though.

MM and his ex had two dogs together – MM took one and she took the other. This past week the ex’s dog passed away suddenly, and MM had to hear it though the grapevine. He was very close to the dog in 7 of her 8 years and this has hit him quite hard. He’s unable to grieve for her as he would like due to all the complications of the split with the ex. I’m trying to be cognizant of the situation and supportive of him, but it hurts me to know he’s hurting, too. I bought him a little pink collar charm with her name on it today. I hope it helps him know how much I care and respect what he’s going through.

I'm thinking about other people a lot of my time these days. As for as myself, well as far as MY little selfish concerns go it’s really the not getting pregnant part that’s eating at me most. That and the broken foot – guess I should give that some time to heal before getting knocked up, huh? I’ve got 2 more weeks until my next x-ray and hopefully news I’m all better. Then we’ve got birthdays, birthdays and more birthdays to celebrate!!!

It’s hard to believe it was 2 years ago I was shacked up in the hospital on bedrest waiting for the Angelfish to be born. She’s grown like a superhero and has a mouthful of words, some of them understandable. She beautiful, loving and smart to say the least.

Well – it’s Friday – let’s head down to the beach for a few and watch the sunset, shall we?

Laces OUT Dan!!!!!

2010-09-10T13:38:00.003-05:00

Weather: Overcast
Drinks: Beers

Laces OUT Dan!!!!!

. . .is what I wanted to scream this morning as the nurse carefully, but not painlessly, picked the healing skin away from the 15 stitches in my right foot and cut them out.

It. Was. Gross.

And. It. Hurt.

I had to lay down . . .more than once . . .to keep from fainting.

Yeah, I'm a wuss when it comes to wounds. I can take care of them, but just better not look at them too long or too hard or I will get all woozy and need to lay down.

But the good news is I'm halfway through the healing process and hopefully at my appt on Oct 1st I can walk outta there with a real shoe instead of the surgical boot I've been sporting. The pain meds, though, I'd rather keep. They're nice. And make my world a much happier place. *sigh*

In other news MM & I are sending the kiddlets up north for a day and night at the grandparents place - wheee! Whatever will we do with a whole afternoon, night and morning to ourselves?? If only we could send his dog with them. . . .noisy pooch.

My dogs have already given up all hope that they will ever get attention again aside from feedings and potty breaks. His dog, though, still thinks he's going to command the 24x7 lovin his Daddy used to give him. By BARKING. Ugh.

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. Go STATE!!!!!!

We Will Now Resume Regular Wifeing

2010-09-07T13:40:00.004-05:00

Weather:80 & Calm
Drinks: Beers

Alright, I give up. I'm officially done being irritated with my husband.

Most of the time I think he's the most selfless, patient, calm and giving person that I nearly feel guilty about myself, but last week, he was not on my favorite people list.

Why? Because he was on vacation, without me, with 2 other couples, while I was home, with a foot broken in two places, with three kids aged 3 and under. And I started a new job in the middle of the week, so I had to be at work full time.

Granted, there's a whole slew of factors going on here which I won't ramble into at this point, and which is why I didn't post last week (because I was too freaking busy and in too much PAIN) but I'm considering the door closed on that chapter of the marriage and ready to move on.

After I say a few more things to the couple male readers I may have out there.

Guys, if -

* your wife has significant surgery, don't leave her home alone for 7 days with toddlers (5 days after her surgery)
* your wife can't drive a vehicle, don't leave her home alone for 7 days
* you're going on a couples vacation, don't live your wife at home, even if you went alone last year
* you've been on vacation for 7 days without your wife, don't come home and complain about it
* you've been on vacation for 7 days without your wife, don't come home and say you'll never leave her home alone for that length of time again

OK, I'm done.

And it's not that I couldn't do it on my own, I actually enjoyed the time for the most part. What hurt was feeling let down and being in pain with no one but my busy Mom to help me on occasion.

Granted, I've done that before - hell I've been single for the greater part of 4 years, but I'm married now, and have a husband, and isn't that what husbands are for? Sure you can be there for me all the time when I don't really need you, but when you're not there and I actually need you? That's another story. I've waited too long to have a partner to count on, and when the feelings of being single cropped back up again, well, that was the icing on my misery cake.

OK, I really am done now.

I know I should talk to hubby about this, but I just really don't want to. It makes me feel like a selfish A-hole. But what's done is done, and I just need to move on. And he KNOWS I was upset. Of all things I actually DIDN'T put out when he got home. I waited a whole 24 hours which has got to be some kind of record for me. But he got the point, and I feel better.

Wah. My foot hurts. Rant complete.

A New Level of Awesomeness

2010-08-24T16:38:00.002-05:00

Weather: Nice
Drinks: Percocet & water

Today I got to reach a level of awesomeness of which I only ever dreamed.

Wednesday marked my foot surgery, which went well, and has left me floundering in a drug induced mini-coma at home. I've done virtually nothing, except contribute to the dwendling food supply around here. And sleep. And shuffle around with my surgical boot.

So, . . . with my freshly broken foot and a hubby determined to get me out in the sunlight - I was pried from my sick bed, treated to lunch out, and then taken to Sam's club to shop for groceries. . . where I deposited my sorry ass right in one of their electric scooter carts.

Yes, I mega shopped along side my hubby in a scooter. Yeah. In the store where I usually do the staring at people, I was the attraction. I even ran into something, which luckily, wasn't a person.

Needless to say we won't be doing that again soon. But next time you go into a store with motorized scooters for your shopping convenience, take one for a joy ride for me.

Welcome WWOW Guests!

2010-08-16T10:41:00.001-05:00

Weather: 82 & sunny
Drinks: Hurricanes

If you’re here from WWOW, you’re in the right place.

So what are we doing for the Twomeys? It’s simple, we’re making a prayer/wish quilt:

1. Pick out a piece of fabric at least 8x8” square – preferably bigger, up to any size you’re willing to send. The fabric should be cotton or a blend but can be from anything - the fabric store, a favorite old t-shirt, and old blanket, anything you wish that you feel would give comfort to our grieving family. You can send more than one fabric.

2. Cut another small scrap of the fabric you picked – like 2x2” – and attach it to an 8.5x11” sheet of paper and write a note or letter or prayer for the Twomeys on the paper.

3. Shoot me an email letting me know you’re participating and I’ll reply with the address of where to send your fabric and letter - bluebellababe@yahoo.com

4. Send the package in the mail by Sept 1st!

That’s it. Once I’ve received the materials I’ll sew up the quilt and bind together the pages of prayers/wishes/letters and send it to our special gal. Then Hallie will have a quilt to wrap herself up in that is filled with your kind thoughts and a book to reference to know who sent what fabric and to read your heartfelt message.

Your fabric can be as expensive and as large you wish or recycled from another article – you can send more than one fabric – just attach small samples of each fabric to your letter, and your letter can be just a short “Thinking of You” note or a lengthy message – it’s up to you. Just participate.

I’ll send a pic of the final product to those who participate and let you know when the completed package is in the mail.

Please get your materials in the mail by Sept 1. And thank you for your help!

BlueBella

The Stupid Tampon Machine Ate My Money!

2010-08-10T14:35:00.002-05:00

Weather: 89 & HOT
Drinks: Anything to cool off

That's right, kick me when I'm down. And take my 35 cents and keep your piece of cotton tied to a string. I didn't want it anyway.

BAH!

Infertile Myrtle

2010-08-09T10:49:00.004-05:00

Weather:79 & Sunny
Drinks: Tiger Lily's

Which is worse: Getting pregnant when you're not intending to, or not getting pregnant when you're intending to?

For me that answer is easy. As the mother of an unintended pregnancy back in 2008 I can EASILY say having an unexpected baby is the most amazing blessing imaginable. I mean seriously, surprise! here's a human being, how great is that? And besides my dear sweet Angelfish has been the brightest light in my world and I can't imagine life without her.

That said, MM and I are going on month 3 of big fat negatives in the reproductive frontier. Maybe this fertile myrtle is not so fertile anymore? As a mother of 3 that sounds pretty ridiculous, but dammit, I'm trying to get pregnant so I want to be pregnant NOW!

On the other hand, life right now is pretty good. The twins are 3 and a half and Angelfish is careening towards her 2nd birthday. MM and I are settling into married life and our routine as a family - it's busy, but manageable and quite a bit of fun, too. And I like to drink. Especially the beer we're brewing as part of our fabulous new hobby. Hell, our basement is now home to 30 gallons of home brew and I'm going to add another 5 gallons to it tonight. It would be so rude of me to fall pregnant now and leave MM with all that beer to drink himself.

Also, I desperately need to have surgery on my foot. This would take a good 2+ months out for me to recover, which doesn't sound like much fun, but I really don't want to wait another year to get my foot fixed, and be pregnant and in pain on it all the time. I can have surgery on the 18th of this month, so unless I come up positive on Wednesday, I'm going to go ahead and go under the knife.

And finally, eclampsia and preeclampsia - conditions I've had with each pregnancy respectively. It's not a very healthy thing for me to carry a baby, but I really don't care - I've taken steps to lead a more healthy, active life and plan to relax as much as possible when the time comes with the help, love and support of my hubby to get through it. I have no doubt that will dramatically improve my next pregnancy.

But the taskmaster in me is on a mission, and "failure" to get knocked up plain out sucks. MM is starting to get worried on top of just being disappointed. Maybe we need to get his 'boys' looked at? We both know 3 months is nothing to get too worked up about, but we're talking about me here - I've had twins and a singleton- I'm certainly capable.

Enough of my whining. It's Monday. I have faith God will give us the right timing to conceive. I just hope it's sooner rather than later.

It's DONE

2010-07-30T11:55:00.004-05:00

Weather:79 & overcast
Drinks: Open Bar

The book is done. Actually I finished up my part of it Wednesday night. MM was kind enough to let me stay late at work and write, and I was able to wrap up every last string I could think of.

WOW. Now I'm walking around thinking, "Holy crap, we've just finished our first, full length, real life novel!"

I'm just blown away, excited beyond measure, and actually quite proud. I'm proud of sticking with this and seeing it through - of giving it my all in fits and starts over the past 2 years. A lot has happened in the past two years! But again and again I found myself coming back to it, either subtly urged by Sunrise (co-author) or on my own when the mood struck. We went through evolution after evolution of her original manuscript to get where we are today. We added over 100 pages and then carved off that many from the end of the book to make way for the sequel, and to tie up the story into a cohesive theme.

Yikes. It's scary and wonderful all at the same time. Now, tomorrow, we hard copy edit. My folks are coming to town to hang with the kids since MM will be at a work function most of the day. It will probably still have some rough edges, but I believe we've taken it as far as we can without further intervention - i.e. a professional editor.

Do I have big dreams this will be a best seller? Of course! More than anything I'd like to shinny out of the 9 to 5 grind and spin tales for a living. Sunrise condones my 'drinking during working' philosophy! But we shall see. My sights are high but my expectations are low.

And I think this calls for a clam bake down at the beach tonight! So strap on your best bikini or speedo and head down to the beach and get your drink on!

Deadline

2010-07-26T16:57:00.002-05:00

Weather:80
Drinks: Beer

I'm staying late at work tonight and I'm supposed to be writing . . . well I am writing, just not writing what I'm supposed to be writing.

Thursday is my deadline for edits on the book I've given myself so we have time to merge docs for this weekend's hard edit. OK, get back to work, silly! EEP!

Crunch Time

2010-07-23T11:21:00.003-05:00

Weather:79 & Perfect
Drinks: Sangria

It feels like I've been living on the most delicious Sangria for the past couple of weeks. After work of course - not that I wouldn't drink it at work, but that's sort of frowned upon. But it's keeping me sane and just the right amount of happy. MM loves it, too. Fill cup with ice, fill cup halfway with Black Box Merlot, fill to top with Lemonade Crystal Light, garnish with orange slice - enjoy. A simple, cheap, half calorie treat. YUM.

So to the title: Crunch Time. NO, I'm not exercising my doughy midsection. Absolutely not . . .unless you count after hours time with MM. . .

But back to the topic. About 3 years ago I began blogging with the intention of practicing my crusty writing skillz and getting into the habit of doing it on a regular basis. Nothing fancy, but a forum that let me explore a bit and be free.

My intention out of that was practice in writing, and of course making friends in the process was awesome, too.

A former colleague and I had found out back then that we both shared a love of writing and each intended to write and publish a book some day, but neither of us, being both full time mothers with full time jobs, had made the leap to get a full length novel accomplished. So we began writing together, some here and some there, and found we had an extraordinary compatibility in our styles and created an energy together that made what we were working on so exciting.

But life and time intervened. And she hammered out a book as I was fumbling through having infant twins with a crazy baby daddy. She then dropped this first book in my lap to edit shortly before I became pregnant with Angelfish. Her idea scared me. Both the idea of the premise of the book and the idea she wanted me to help her with it. I felt minuscule and incapable. But she persisted and finally, after several weeks I holed up in my bedroom and read her manuscript.

It was rough. But promising. And not nearly as scary as I had imagined - I actually had something constructive to add to it. And from our first conversation together after I had read it I could see it had taken everything out of her to get all those words in the pages. She needed to step away. And wanted me to step in. So I let it bake in my brain for some time until I found I was ready to pick it up again and get to work.

We have spent the past two years working this manuscript over and over and over - on weekends, through email, online, over the phone, whenever we could get a moment during inspiration around everything else we had going on in our lives. Instead of editor, she made me co-author as I have poured myself into the book and that synergy we have together keeps burning brightly.

But now, we're so close to being there, teetering on the brink of of having v1.0 complete it's scary. And a thrill I can't describe other than to say it feels like Christmas Eve, on my birthday, in the OR about to give birth.

Stay tuned. I've asked for one more week before my edits are done, then we hard edit together next weekend and send our draft off to an editor who's agreed to read it. Holy crap. H.O.L.Y. C.R.A.P.

Monthversary

2010-07-19T12:56:00.005-05:00

Weather: 82 & overcast

Drinks: Hurricanes

Wow. It's been a month since MM & I were married. It feels like forever and a just heartbeat at the same time.

Tonight we'll celebrate but for more than one reason, this morning we got some very good news. No, we're not pregnant just yet. But, MM had his 1 year post surgery doctors appointment - he had kidney cancer last year and had the bad spot removed - and everything came back clean! He's healthy as can be and we'll return again in a year for anther check just to be sure.

We both were ignoring the appointment instead of dwelling on the what if's, but after the doctor delivered the news and left the room we let the full weight of the situation hit us, we hugged and cried tears of relief and gratitude.

Happy Monthversary, MM. Being with you is a dream I don't ever want to wake from.

Stage 3

2010-07-16T09:40:00.002-05:00

Weather: 79 & sunny
Drinks: Open Bar

For those of you with kids, you remember the day you purchased the crib for the baby bump that would soon be born into a little person. That tiny, mysterious little bit of yourself that you didn't know yet, and would come out so small.

I got the pleasure of buying two cribs the first time around, and my folks gifted me with 3-stage convertible cribs which would change to toddler beds and then full sized bed head and foot boards with the addition of a full sized mattress . . . you know, when the teeny tiny babies had become enormous like a hundred years later.

Last weekend was our final straw. Two adults and two 3 year olds in the bed is too much, for newlyweds especially.

"I no like my bed, Mommi," Sea Monkey proclaimed.

"Why?" I asked.

"It's too small." he replied simply and I noticed how his height had become starkly similar to the length of his toddler bed. He was often the first to reach our big bed in the night, rolling out of his own and making his way to snuggle against me.

We made a makeshift 'bird nest' as the kids called it, on the floor in their room for them to sleep on, and once I spent more than one night in there with them . . .

"Dad," I concluded, "it's time to go bed shopping." And we did - purchasing two full sized mattress sets, two sets of sheets and comforters and a load of new pillows to fill everything out.

Talk about a change. The beds seem so huge and the twins so small in them, but they have finally reached the third stage of their once cribs - big kid beds. I tried not to tear up too much as we tried to decide if there was room in their room for the foot boards to be attached and I saw the long row of teething chew marks all along the wood. MM asked me what that was and I replied, "baby beaver marks."

Luckily both the beds fit in the twins' room quite comfortably and we don't have to go remodeling our upstairs into bedrooms just yet. And Sea Monkey still makes his way into our room in the night, but Starfish has mostly stopped, instead opting to call out for me when she wakes and realizes Sea Monkey is not in his bed. I slip out from under Sea Monkey, leaving him with his sleeping Daddy, and head to Starfish's bed to finish out how ever much of the night I can manage. And her bed is so comfortable! We made sure to buy great beds, knowing they would have them for years and that either or both of us would spend some time in them over the years.

Sometimes Sea Monkey comes looking for me, and I pull him in with Starfish and I, and sometimes I get them both sleeping and can sneak back into my own bed with MM, alone.

It's a night time dance we do, and I know it won't last forever, but at least we have the cards stacked in our favor and I think we're all getting quite a bit more sleep these days.

Tuesday, Tuesday

2010-07-13T14:04:00.002-05:00

Weather: 80 & clear
Drinks: Bloody Marys

eh.

After a long hiatus from posting I'm finding myself wanting to get on here quite a bit. Thanks to those of you who've hung around, and even more to those who comment on my blathering from time to time.

I'm still getting used to the idea I'm married. It happened so fast. Believe me, I'm thrilled beyond thrilled to have snagged the guy I have, it's just sometimes hard to believe we are actually MARRIED. Forever. And Ever. Amen.

By that I mean we've committed completely to being together and having our family for the long haul. We're trying to have a baby, even. But there, deep down, in my heart of hearts I still have that nagging feeling of being abandoned . . . when I need them most and I'm at my most vulnerable.

I've done my best to let down my defenses and allow my love to grow with MM, unhampered by my past hurts. With him it has been easy - he does not let me down. In fact he exceeds my expectations 95% of the time. I just still have some healing to do as I begin to open doors within myself I had slammed shut in the past because it was just too painful to deal with the contents inside. There's spiders and bats and unknown creepy crawlies in there.

But it's time to get the torch out and waive it around, evicting the awful nasties who've made it home for far too long. I know MM will be right behind me, holding me up as I reclaim what's mine, but even believing that will take some time. I'm just not used to being held up and stood beside when the going gets rough. I'm more of a fall flat on your ass when your partner slips off into a dark crevasse type of girl. Used to being stood up and held aside.

But hell, no one ever got any bigger without some growing pains, huh? I guess that's what I'll call this as I grow up a little bit more and learn to function with a husband and father for the kids.

With a man who loves our life as much as I do. How lucky is that?

BFN

2010-07-12T09:58:00.003-05:00

Weather: 79 & still
Drinks: Homebrew - Big Dirk cracks open the family recipe

As the title goes, Saturday morning brought with it a BFN (Big Fat Negative) on the preggo test, and Saturday evening brought cramps and Aunt Flo . . .boooo!

So a girlfriend of mine drug me to an out of town late night 10K race to clear my head and the free beer after party to drown my sorrows - thank you Suzie! We had an awesome time and I was thankful to be able to drink a bunch of beer:)

I also cooked up an all grain batch of Amber Ale that is happily percolating away in the workroom, right next to it's Oatmeal Stout big brother. It smelled like heaven as it was cooking away on the stove . . .think I could get an air freshener or candle scented like cooking amber ale? If it turns out tasting as good as it smelled it will be divine. . . . now just to wait a couple of weeks . . .

And my stint as Brewmaster didn't go off without a hitch. It was a good thing I had my trusty Brew Bitch at my side. Cooking a 5 gallon batch of all grain takes some muscle and as tough as I think I am, I don't have 12 arms to wrangle our sometimes makeshift equipment. And I did let MM wear clothes, but took advantage of him after the brew was put to bed. Good times.

But now it's Monday on the island and we've got to prepare for the sand volleyball tourney on the beach this afternoon . . .better get busy.

Speaking of New Babies

2010-07-08T09:38:00.003-05:00

Weather: 84 & WARM
Drinks: Tropical Storms

We have one in the basement. Actually it got to spend the greater part of an evening and a night in the kitchen, but then we kicked it out into a cool dark part of a workroom downstairs. Our firstborn as a couple. . .

a bucket full of fermenting BEER.

MM and I decided it was time to get into the home brewing business since we both LOVE beer and apparently didn't have enough to do at this time. So we loaded up on supplies and cooked up a batch of Oatmeal Stout last weekend. It's now happily bubbling away and will be transferred from it's bucket to a glass carboy this weekend for it's second round of fermentation. I'm so freaking excited!!!

MM is like a fretful hen, running downstairs to check on the beer baby first thing in the morning and last thing at night . . making sure the temperature is *just right* and it's burping sufficiently. So sweet.

Our plan is to have 3 batches going at once, each starting on a subsequent weekend, so this weekend we try a light beer - my choice. It's not that I like light beers so much, I'm mainly a dark gal, but my waistline is craving something lighter, and my dream is to make the perfect black and tan. So my choice is going to be a cream ale with vanilla to go with the oatmeal stout. Sounds like heaven, but we shall see.

MM and I also figured out during this new adventure that we are both captains, chiefs, drivers, etc, so we need to take turns calling the shots on the cooking. Therefore, this weekend I choose the recipe and make all the decisions on the brewing, and next weekend it's his turn. We will of course help each other, but in the capacity of 'brewing bitch'. I also found out that the job of brewing boss gets to pick the clothing of the brew bitch. Sounds like I'll be wearing just a pair of cutoff jean shorts for my stints as helper. Hmmmf. Anyone care for a bottle of Topless Irish Red? gaah

And, we learned MM's maternal grandfather used to brew his own beer. . . we're trying to locate the recipe to give it a try. So anyone have a good recipe for us? Please share!

Next up we brew a holiday beer for a test run for Christmas (gotta test, test, test!) and an Oktoberfest for the upcoming holiday. Methinks we need to start having some parties once this stuff starts coming of age!

Time To Bring More People to the Island

2010-07-07T13:40:00.002-05:00

Weather: 82
Drinks: Rusty Nail

Last month I brought a husband to the island. Seems good enough, right?

Nah!

If you don't know me well enough already - I'm always wanting MORE. So, BlueBella, are you planning to bring ANOTHER husband to the island?

NO, silly! That's just sick and wrong. And waaaaay too much trouble. I can only handle one man in my life these days. And barely that sometimes. Ahem.

But . . . when new hubby *really, really* wants another little person added to our clan, it's hard (dare I say impossible) to say no. Especially when I go a big rubbery one every time I see a newborn. They're. Just. So. Amazing!

And so the story goes. This weekend I'm hoping for a BFP (Big Fat Positive) and an excuse for getting fat. Stay tuned.

A New Hole In My Head

2010-07-02T14:36:00.004-05:00

Weather: 82 & breezy

Drinks: Open Bar

Apparently I did need another hole in my head . . .

because as MM and I were casually strolling about Niagara Falls on our honeymoon in search of a Cuban cigar for him we happened upon a little tattoo & piercing shop that was practically screaming my name . . . begging me to come in it and FINLLY realize a little dream I've had for a couple years.

I've always liked the look of a tasteful little sparkle on the side of a woman's nose, but actually making the decision to do it myself took quite a bit of time.

But once the opportunity presented itself, I practically dragged MM into the shop to inspect the jewelry and make sure it wasn't too big. Besides, I told him, if it looks bad I'll just take it out. Believe me, I've wasted money in worse ways!

He finally agreed to appease his new bride and in 5 minutes I was sporting my new bling.

Did it hurt? Um, yeah! - but only when she actually stuck in the needle and then again when she worked in the jewelry, but she was skilled and quick and it was over before I knew it. Worst part was how bad my eyes watered as she was sticking me. But that stopped as soon as she was done and it's been a breeze to care for since. In fact, I don't even feel it unless I touch it with my finger or wrinkle up my nose really tight. Otherwise it just sits up there looking pretty like I had hoped it would. It has, in fact, been the easiest piercing to care for yet - including my ears.

And as soon as we got home I purchased a sweet little white gold and diamond screw to replace this surgical steel one as soon as it arrives. I'm so excited!

So here's to extra holes in our heads and enjoying the new studs in our lives!

The D Word

2010-06-30T15:05:00.003-05:00

Weather: 80 & Sunny
Drinks: Mai Tai

It's such a simple word . . .three little letters, two of them the same.

But it socks me in the gut each time I hear it or say it now: DAD

For three years I have been a single Mom, with no spouse-person in the picture. And the kids had no "Dad". There was just Mommi. Mommi, mommi, MOMMI!

Now, after the wedding MM and I decided it was time to make the hard cut over to the big D word, and as we stepped off the plane from our honeymoon and were greeted by our three squealing little people, the D word hit active use status and has been used ever since.

Is it strange to say, "Daddy will be right back," to a tearful Angelfish as he's walking away? YES
Is it bizarre to hear the twins scream "Daddy" as MM walks up the steps after a long day's work to greet them? YES
Is it equally awesome to have this man I love so much assuming this role with care and devotion? YES

We're both still digesting the official change from MM to Dad and I'm sure it will take quite awhile before we don't actually think about it before we say or hear it. But it's a big deal, and what's even nicer is the kids have made the transition seamlessly. Sea Monkey did ask once about MM not being MM anymore, that he's Daddy now, and that was all he needed to hear. Kids are amazing.

And each day I count my blessings we're finally here, at this point, with a Daddy in the picture. Thank God!

Someday I May Sleep Again

2010-06-28T10:58:00.003-05:00

Weather: 79 & Sunny
Drinks: Appletini

So .. . we pulled off the wedding - it was a SUCCESS. Pictures to come. Same goes for the honeymoon . . we went to Niagara Falls in good old Canada, eh?

All is well, though we're working through the sleeping arrangements now that MM and his pup are living in Casa de Bluebella. The kids were up and down all night last night. ALL NIGHT. Made getting up for work after more than a week off quite troublesome. But when the squirrels didn't want to get out of bed to face the Nanny their grumpy Mommi didn't have much sympathy for them . . you kept me up all night now you're getting up early with me since I have to go to work! Hah. After much crying and whining they were toted out to the couch and were gobbling up waffles in no time.

Me, I'm just wishing to be back in Niagara, snuggling and cuddling with MM with the shades shut tight on the beautifully scenery. What most folks get for some time when they're first married we got for a week, but it was a sweet, sweet week. *sigh*

Now for the name change hustle. And pictures - as soon as the photographer gets some to us I'll get them posted. It was a beautiful day. One I'll cherish forever.

I Think It's Trying to Tell Me Something

2010-06-16T16:23:00.001-05:00

Weather: 80 & Sunny
Drinks: Open Bar

Even my phone appears to be in love today!

-3 days

4 Days

2010-06-15T10:21:00.005-05:00

Weather: Rain
Drinks: Open Bar

So the bar will remain open until after the wedding - drink up my beach friends!

The countdown clock is is flashing a bright red FOUR. Four days until the wedding! Yipes!

And it has been raining monsoon style for the past couple of weeks. Do we think we could get a break in the clouds for a little sunshine? Pretty please? And maybe enough dry air to let the ground firm up enough to support some people and chairs in the yard for the ceremony? And the horses?

Did I mention the horses?

Um, yeah. A friend of the family has a team of black Percheron's - Henry & Harry, who have a wagon especially made for pulling groups of people around. They're coming to the wedding to ferry people up the long driveway to the celebration tent. I'm so freaking excited!

These horses are HUGE. They are scary-majestic creatures, and gentle as can be. I've got flowers and tulle to deck out the wagon and the horses for the big day - woot!

Here's a pic of my folks' place, where we're getting married. Oh look, it was sunny on that day . . .

I think we've got most of the details set at this point. We have a pig to roast Hawaiian style in an emu on Friday night. We'll dig a big pit and start a bonfire to heat rocks hot enough to bury the pig with and let it cook over night.

I'm so excited to have our families & close friends there on Friday to meet each other and celebrate. I've only met MM's parents, so it will be nice to finally meet his sister and her 5 kids and his Grandma and introduce them to my family. It should be a great time and I'm so looking forward to that opportunity to get together before the big day sweeps us away.

We have been talking to our kids (did you notice I said 'our'?) about the whole wedding situation and they can talk about it with us, but their concept of the whole thing is probably pretty abstract at this point. I know they'll be overwhelmed and nervous, but hopefully they still feel loved and reassured throughout the process. Getting married with 3 young children is no small matter, and I really need to make sure I focus on them as much as I can during that day and not just let it fly by like I do sometimes. And then we'll be gone for a week for our honeymoon - Niagara Falls! - and I miss the kids already . . . but I can't wait for 5 days alone with MM! Gee whatever will we do with ourselves? HAAH

I'm also starting to get more emotional about all this. It is exciting beyond measure, but I know we'll have some challenges, too. I've been single for a very long time. Although I've managed to find complete trust in MM, letting go of some things is still difficult. We will not live together until after the wedding, so that adjustment is going to take time. I know we're both a little nervous about it, but we're also very excited, too. I need to remember patience.

And PQ - thank you for your call this morning. You rock. You get me - totally.

So there's the latest. I'm getting married in 4 days. Ahhhh!!!!

Open Letter

2010-06-11T10:26:00.003-05:00

Weather:Rain
Drinks:Open Bar

This is the happiest time for me – happier than I’ve ever been in my life. I’ve arrived. Exactly where I want to be with everything I’ve ever wanted. And there’s more to come.

But there’s fighting. And it boggles my mind.

You’ve been there for me through the bad times. Scooping me up and dusting me off. Making a few jokes here and there at my expense, but we laughed. Seems like I’ve had more bad times than good the past several years, so I thought we were growing closer.

But when the good times rolled around you wanted to fight it. You snubbed me like I’m not good enough, like my happiness was some kind of threat.

When everyone else is rejoicing for me, you are pulled back to the outside, angry.

I know I hurt you with the decision I made. But I did it because of unconditionality. Love for good as well as bad. For endless prayers for my happiness and to find this place I am now, finally. For joy for me. Something you have not been able to show me.

Instead there’s fighting. I’m tired of fighting. If having me upset makes you feel better then I’ll admit you’ve succeeded. You’ve been trying quite hard to do so, so well done. But I’m not the only one you’re hurting.

You’re hurting yourself.

And it won’t change the fact the rest of my life is amazing, and moving on, whether you’re part of it or not. There’s no contingency there.

Believe me, I would love to have you sharing this with me. Nothing would make me happier. In fact it would make the picture complete. But I’m not going to beg you, or plead or profuse a thousand apologies. I stand by my choices. And I’m not going to have you dragging me down, either. I’ve had enough misery for a lifetime.

I know I can never change your mind. You’re set and won’t back down. But I just had to get this out and let it go.

I still love you through this. Unconditionally. I wish you could find that unconditionally for me, too.

20K - Check!

2010-06-08T10:13:00.005-05:00

Weather: 80 & Still
Drinks: Pina Coladas

Saturday MM & I did our first 20K race. We were joined by my friend & walking buddy, who was going to stick with me since MM was going to run it.

The race is called Dam to Dam, and begins on a Dam, of course, 12.4 miles from downtown Capital City. The start was cold and rainy. I mean, RAINY. Did I say it was RAINING? And windy, too. AWESOME.

But we made it, and collected our medals and proceeded to drink free beer, eat free pulled pork sandwiches and free kettle corn. What better way to spend the day?

Did I mention I wore my medal most of the day? Or at least until it was my turn in the bubble tub to soak?

I hung my medal next to my one from my first Half Marathon from last fall . . .boy they look good together. And upon looking up our results from both races I was only 1 second off my pace between the races. Pretty cool, huh?

I'm so glad to have this off my plate, tho, so we can concentrate on the rest of the wedding details. And I'm thinking we're going to have to wait for a dress pic until after the wedding . .. I sent it home with my folks so I wasn't tempted to show it to MM. He has to wait until the very second of the wedding before he gets to see me that day, and see the dress. Cruel? Or exciting?

Happiness Is

2010-06-04T13:27:00.002-05:00

Weather: 79 & Still

Drinks: Open Bar

We had our engagement pictures done this week, and this is one of my favorites. It shows so much.

We're down to 2 weeks until the wedding. Ga! And we're doing a 20K race tomorrow. Whoever thought that was a good idea should be shot. Oh wait, brides with bullet wounds = not cool.

Don't Get the Wrong Impression

2010-05-27T10:02:00.003-05:00

Weather: 80 & Sunny
Drinks: Gin & Tonic

It's no surprise. People tend to think the worst. . . or at least the most scandalous. It's way more fun that way, right?

MM and I have had a very short engagement. The wedding is just over 3 weeks away! But it's not for any other reason than we're just ready to take the plunge. And we're old and impatient.

But we're certainly NOT pregnant.

The thought of people thinking that had never crossed my mind until MM brought it up a few weeks ago. Sheesh.

We're getting married because we're crazy about each other. Every day I'm more in love with him than I was the day before and it's starting to feel normal. Happiness as normal? Now that's a crazy idea.

The New Old Fashioned Girl

2010-05-18T09:48:00.003-05:00

Weather: 83 & Perfect
Drinks: Open Bar

For the past 9 years I've been divorced and living a somewhat non traditional life.

I have 3 kids by two fathers and never married either of them. I live on my own with my kids, without support of anyone but my family & friends. I have 3 dogs and a full time job.

Pretty normal, but missing a major component - a husband & father.

It was always my plan to have children with one man and be married to him and live happily ever after. But of course, that was not the course my life took. While striving to find a mate I made the wrong choices and ended up without one.

So, I embraced the sometimes complicated nature of my existence and have really loved it. Having kids was the single greatest thing to ever happen to me. And had I to do it all over again I would do it exactly the same, each painful and heartbreaking minute of it.

But now, MM is in the picture. He is EXACTLY what I've always wanted. He is EXACTLY what the kids need & deserve. I had no idea life could be this good.

Seriously - Life. Is. AMAZING.

Every day we celebrate how happy we are - and to be honest from the outside it's probably a little sickening. But what is it that's so different this time? While I don't think it's any one thing, or any series of things aside from the fact we're just compatible, there are some things we're doing that are really turning out to be a lot of fun and create some serious excitement.

First - we waited. And we dated. And waited. The buildup of tension was so delicious it made every time we were together charged with electricity. And when we finally gave in and ripped each other's clothes off, we were truly in love and never had to look back or wait for that part to come.

Second - we're getting married. Albeit quickly (only 4+ weeks away now!), it's a lifetime commitment that both the kids and I deserve. We came to this conclusion together and he's just as excited about it as me. No one's driving it, it's just unfolding naturally.

Third - we're not moving in until after the wedding. We both have houses and while we spend most of our time at mine and plan to live there after we're married, he has yet to spend the night or move in a single thing. This is important to us with the kids - even though they're young, modeling behavior is still important. And of all people to think this is important, I was probably the last on the list for this one. But it has allowed another element of excitement to exist in our relationship. We each get to keep our routines more or less and are slowly working in to a new family routine. We get to miss each other. We get to look forward to living together and make it an event for the whole family. It is truly blissful.

Fourth - we regularly talk about our dreams for the future. I believe dreaming is a powerfully positive exercise, and getting to do this together and find out how much we share in common is wonderful. Being pointed in the same direction as a couple and family solidifies my trust that this will work.

So how's that for a smarmy post? Want any more sunshine and rainbows? I'm sure bridezilla will come out before the big day . . . haah - next post will be wedding plans.

Well, It Happened

2010-05-06T15:12:00.002-05:00

Weather: 80 & sunny
Drinks: Pina Coladas

MM gave me a ring. And I said YES!

Now we're feverishly planning a wedding . .. in 6 weeks.

Yeah. So what am I going to do now? Stay on the island? Move to the mainland?

In the mean time I'll just have mini panic attacks until I figure it all out.

PS The ring is GORGEOUS! It's a green diamond . . . perfection.

Ok, Ok

2010-04-26T16:00:00.002-05:00

Weather: Scattered Showers
Drinks: Open Bar

Sorry for the suspense about the weekend. . . but

It. Was. Amazing.

I'm literally in awe about how the weekend went with MM's folks. They are reinforcement of exactly how wonderful I think MM is, as they are the same.

Take my folks and put them in different bodies and that is how comfortable I felt with them. My folks loved them too so it was a giant family love fest. And the kids? The love was there, too. Ahhhhhhh yes. Bliss.

Now to plan a wedding!

Oh wait, I have to wait for MM to ask me first. . . even though we've already agreed on a date. . . come on MM gimmie my RING already!

Does refinishing your window sills, washing windows & screens qualify as stressing about cleaning?

2010-04-22T16:25:00.003-05:00

Weather: 82
Drinks: Merlot

His folks are coming this weekend.

MM's parents. Are coming. This weekend. To meet me. And the kids. And my folks.

So am I freaking? Not too bad, but the title to this post may speak to the contrary. It is true I tore my windows apart last weekend. . . as well as the rest of the house in an attempt to spring clean for their visit.

Should I have focused my efforts on losing 10 lbs instead? My muffin top would agree. But whatever. They'll be here and I'll still be me no matter how clean the house is or how well my shirts fit. So there.

Oh yeah, and I'm doing a half marathon on Saturday morning. Wish me luck!!!

Now I gotta run, my folks are coming tonight to help me shampoo the carpets . . .

30

2010-04-13T16:20:00.003-05:00

Weather: 82 & sunny
Drinks: Open Bar

So 30 is the magic number.

30 days until the termination of parental rights of the twins' father is official.

All the paperwork is signed and filed with the court. Now all we do is wait.

I can't believe we're finally here. As much as it hurts me for the kids to be in this place, it closes a door on a person wrought with instability, and an uncertain future. It keeps us in the place I've fought so hard for us to be in. We're - happy, comfortable, and safe. And it opens a door to the new life we're forging with MM, and all the possibilities that go along with having a loving father figure in the picture.

This has always been my dream for my children, and now we're just one step closer. Thank God.