Hello Again

Weather: 82 & Sunny

Drinks: Hurricanes

Luckily the social standard people hold you to as a mom of 4 with a newborn is pretty low. In fact, they tend to be amazed you're even out of the house at all. Hopefully the same holds true blogging frequency in the blogospere.

Life seems to be happening in fits and starts for us these days. With my broken foot this summer I've been anything but consistent at just about everything. We rally around my perceived ability to accomplish something, and then work around my inability. Luckily, my foot is "healed" and I cast the orthopaedic boot aside today in favor of a Right sided Birkenstock I've never worn.

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I've been moody this past few days. I think the underlying cause is we are taking ever so tiny steps towards the step-parent adoption of Starfish, Sea Monkey and Angelfish. The twins will be a no-brainer as their sperm donor has already signed away his rights. But we have yet to accomplish this with Angelfish's asshat. We by all means anticipate him signing away his rights, it is just taking forever to get something to happen. We did get news that Asshat wants a confidentiality agreement signed before he does anything and I'm more than curious to read what it entails.

MM and I discussed what we want for Angelfish in terms of this adoption and her future. It's so hard to know what to do in some cases and we're just praying we're making the right decisions. We're sure Asshat doesn't want a teenager showing up on his doorstep 15 years from now, asking to know who the hell he is. And we're certain we don't want his change of heart coming around should he ever divorce his wife and decide maybe he should actually lay eyes on his biological daughter.

When she was a baby it was easier to make decisions for her, but now that she's growing and asserting her own personality I'm confronted with more issues, none of which have easy answers. You've probably heard Moms who've had difficult children wish the exact same child upon their offspring. Apparently it works. The other weekend when Angelfish was being particularly bull headed about something, I looked to my Mom, who barely stifled a too hearty laugh and said, "For you it's like looking in the mirror!"

Great. I'm fucked.

But in my defense I think I turned out to be a pretty great person, it just took me 34 some odd years to really get my shit together. And hopefully we can provide Angelfish with opportunities to channel herself down a path of success and self fulfillment.

In the course of the day with Angelfish I'm astonished with how many times I think about Asshat. It's at least once a day. The compelling factor is getting to be her parent and watching her navigate the world, assisting her growth and receiving her love and affection. I still just don't understand how anyone could consciously and intentionally miss out on this little beauty. I guess I used to think the same way about the twins' donor, but at least he actually saw and held those children. I will never understand his decision, but at least he tried. Asshat has 3 children of his own under his care and made the choice to completely omit her. For that I am eternally thankful, but still, utterly appalled.

All's well that ends well, though, as Angelfish and MM share a bond rivaling any father and daughter. He is her father and always will be. I guess I'm just ready for the Asshat portion of our programming to come to a close and find a place within my brain where he is not a daily thought. It will happen, it's just taking too long for my liking!

Angelfish - while you were not planned, the minute I knew you were inside me I loved you like I had been waiting for you my entire life. Love, Mom