Why The Past Gets to Stay In the Past

Weather: 80 & Clear
Drinks:Vodka Tonic w/ Lime

Back to work has meant back to boredom. I got assigned a couple small projects after a few days and now am twiddling my fingers waiting for more work to trickle in. My boss says he's working on it. At first I resisted this slump and begged 'Why can't I just be home with my kiddos doing something meaningful instead of locked up to my desk doing nothing?'

The easy answer is: They pay me. And we still have 2 houses to pay for and need my paycheck.

Now all I need is for someone to swing by my cube every hour and drop off a stack of cash equal to my salary down to the hour and maybe I'd be more convinced that doing nothing here is meaningful . . .but till that happens I'm just going to busy myself with busywork. Like shopping. Too bad I'm spending part of that easy earned paycheck while at work, huh?

Anywho, in an attempt to NOT shop online for a few minutes, I decided to clean out my trusty old yahoo email box. Which is AGES old. And I rarely delete anything but junk mail, if that.

So I came across a slew of little gems today. And more than a couple lumps of coal, too.

I started by sorting by sender, so when I got to the ones from MM, I traced them back to when we first started talking . .. then how he wanted to go to fast and I freaked out and slowed things WAY down . . . then slowly things built up and got hot . .. and then he freaked out and tried to slow things back down . . .and I stopped them completely. Then a few months later we tentatively reached back out to each other . . . and the rest is history - we were married a mere 8 months later. Of course then 2 months after our wedding another email where another little freak out occurred for us as the growing pains of moving in together and becoming a family started to cause some strain. But we talked through it and before long were pregnant and life has been swimmingly delicious ever since.

I guess what I found was record of a time when both MM and I were deeply wounded beings holding scarred hearts, but still holding out hope for love again someday. We were pretty messed up back then. But in looking at how we handled each other and the challenges we faced it is no wonder we are so happy now. We are two people who see love the same way - as something to be cherished, nurtured, celebrated and never taken for granted. And I can see why we were so careful with ourselves and each other. We wanted to get it right. We needed to do things a certain way so we could have no regrets and live the amazing life together we live now.

But it was a painful, unsure time and I am SO GLAD those days are over and never ever to be repeated again. It was a good reminder to have today. Even though I tell MM I love him every single day, it makes appreciating him so much more tangible when I can recall what it was like to not have him in my life.

And that, my friends, is my lesson for today. And a timely reminder of just how awesome things are now.

Cheers.