Change of Heart

Weather: 80
Drinks: Vino

For the past several weeks I've been waiting. Waiting like a bird on an egg - for preeclampsia to hatch and pop me onto bedrest.

And I'm ready. MM & I redid our bedroom - painted it the most luscious shade of brown, put up a swanky new bed & nightstands, updated the curtains and bedding, rolled in the baby's dressing table and bassinet and put up a new 47 inch flat screen tv. My hoard of yarn for crocheting is safely tucked in my nightstand and under the bed. The Roku box is poised and ready to deliver Netflix movies at the touch of a button. My blood pressure cuff is on my night stand. The styrofoam cooler is poised and ready to keep my pee cold during the 24 hour protein tests.

I'm ready.

But after our BP scare weekend 3 weeks ago, all is calm and quiet - no protein, no high BP, placenta is functioning normally and baby is growing like a weed. I'm feeling a bit like the girl who cried wolf.

Granted, we're in our 26th week. Nothing went officially went afoul until 30-ish weeks with my other two pregnancies.

But it's hard to not feel like a fool, sitting in the doctor's office on an extra visit of my own doing - and turning out healthy as can be.

Believe me, I WANT to be healthy as can be. I WANT a normal pregnancy. And although a tiny part of me, that working mother of 3 in me, would relish a few weeks of bedrest right about now, I don't want that at the expense of my baby or my health, or the rest of my family for that matter.

And while the past several weeks have had me thinking preeclampsia and bedrest were an inevitability, a growing part of me is starting to believe it just might not be that way this time around. So much is different. We have MM. The twins are 4 now, not 18 months. My stress levels are nil.

Basically all I have to do is wake up, go to work, come home, love my family and go to bed. If I'm tired, MM lets me sleep. If I'm hungry, I eat. If I need a hug or snuggle, there's 4 people lined up to fill my arms. I want for absolutely nothing.

Maybe I'm just afraid to try to embrace the notion of having a 'normal' pregnancy. I've never had one, so why should it change now? There's a delicate balance between accepting reality as it is and fighting for something different. My history does not bode well. But my future is unwritten.

So much is unknown about preeclampsia, it feels like trying to avoid it is like fighting a ghost. And I don't want to waste a bunch of mental energy only to be crushed by an inevitability.

Bottom line - right now I'm going to function like I'm healthy and get on with it. Should something fall apart in the coming weeks, we'll deal with it then. I don't like it, the unknown that is, but it's all I've got to hang on to until this pregnancy is complete.